You and Your Relationship Journey

Attraction Let’s take a close look at the topic of attraction, so you can explore your relationship history to see if you can identify some particular features that attract you in a potential partner. This is an interesting conversation to have with people, and I have come to know through my experiences in therapeutic situations that there are many features to which people are attracted. When I look back over my life and confront myself with what I’ve been attracted to, I can see that some of the smallest, seemingly insignificant details have influenced my attractions and sometimes impacted my choices in partners. This also bears a strong similarity to what I have heard from others. When I ask people what attracted them to their partners, without a doubt, the most common answer is about looks! I have heard things like, “He was so good looking,” “She was such a spunk,” “It was his eyes,” “He was a real hottie,” “She had a fabulous body,” “He reminds me somehow of my father when he was younger” (you could replace father with brother or sister or some other family member). You get the picture here. The attraction was either about something quite superficial or related to something that may have seemed meaningful but without much substance. Such superficial attractions can give people all sorts of warm and fuzzy feelings that make them think they’ve fallen in love. The problem with this attraction is that it can be so misleading. And because it was a primary attraction, the other, more important things have not had such an influence on the love-struck romantic. To avoid this happening and being hoodwinked by the so-called love at first sight phenomenon, it’s worth paying attention to our attractions and asking those what and why questions. We need to ask ourselves, “What is it that I am attracted to?” and, “Why am I attracted to this person?” If physical attraction is the main thing that’s drawn us to potential partners, there’s a high risk of becoming established in a relationship that will later bring some surprises that are not so attractive. This means there’s a good chance the relationship may not turn out to be what you really wanted. When the partner’s real personality emerges, you may find that there are things about him or her you have difficulty accepting. And it could take you months or years to figure out what’s gone wrong. By then, the relationship may be established, and it may be a whole lot more difficult to end. This becomes further complicated if we happen to start a family in that early stage as there is an extra layer to consider, making it even harder to leave the relationship. Many have stayed for the sake of the children. Other common traits people discover about their partners a little later are things like having a bad temper, a nasty streak, a tendency to be violent, a destructive addiction, or being emotionally or physically unreachable, mean-spirited, controlling, tight or obsessed with money, uncommunicative, neglectful towards you, unable to stay faithful, overly entitled, or self-absorbed, to mention a few. I know many people reading this will be able to identify with some of these issues and recognise how they have been trapped at some point, causing them incredible suffering and disappointment. Some will have become aware sooner and been able to end the relationship earlier, enabling themselves to move on to something better. Another common answer to the question is, “I don’t know. There was just something about him [or her] that I was drawn to, and I really believed he [or she] was the one.” In such circumstances, people could have been drawn to a range of features. And really, they could be anything, but nothing of real substance. This can be another danger signal for getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons, with no real evidence of what the person is really like. There’s no way of really knowing whether this is someone he or she really wanted to be with, especially for the longer term. This is a very “pie in the sky’ way of approaching a relationship, and needs a lot more than just the initial hunch. Sometimes the hunch could be right, but more often than not, it will be another way of leading us down the wrong track, and we waste time on someone who is never going to be right. Either way, it’s well worth being aware and not allowing yourself to be caught up on a hunch alone. The main difference in the hunch approach is that it depends on the person’s early experiences. If we take the example of a young woman who’s grown up in an environment that encouraged her belief in herself, she has a good chance of choosing well. This happens when she knows she is worthy and valuable. She’s had loving role models in her parents and knows she matters. What she has to say counts, and people care about her opinions. She has been reassured that she is beautiful and loved. And above all, she has had a father or father figure who has looked out for her and made her feel worthwhile. This is the kind of experience that provides a good chance of having more trustworthy hunches. In contrast, for a young woman who had the opposite of that nurturing upbringing and grown up not believing in herself, not really knowing how to look after or consider herself, doesn’t really know who she is, and has no idea of her self-worth, the attraction is likely to be misleading. If you can relate to this, unless you have done a whole lot of work on your sense of self, beware of your hunches! Don’t despair, however, because you can change what you’re attracted to by building your self-esteem through working on your sense of self and creating some new boundaries and rules for your life.