Thirty-One Days to Healthy Sexual Relationships

Day Three-3. Realize that you can learn something from every sexual experience that you have. We hear a lot these days about experiential learning. People whose lives shout happiness, empowerment, and abundance tend to be people who live life big. They aren’t armchair quarterbacks. Not just talking about things, they have some skin in the game. With sexuality, it is the same. If our goal is to live a sexuality that brings joy, confidence, titillating fantasies and experiences that linger long after they occurred in “real” time, then we must pay the price of saying “Yes” when “No” might be easier. We must get committed to something beyond where we’ve been, get up, get intimate, get serious, get conscious, and get involved in helping others learn how to be passionately and compassionately sexual, as well. The price we pay is letting go of fear and control. Rich, abundant sexuality requires courage, hope, grit, a willingness to fail, but also a commitment to keep on trying. And, ultimately, a rich and rewarding sexuality requires that we trust the process, seeing ourselves as purposeful beings who are here to live fully and generously. We think about such things as the following: - Who am I? - With whom do I talk about sexuality? - With whom do I experience my sexuality? - Will my sexual experience be consistent with yours? - What kinds of sexual experiences do I enjoy; even say I love? - Can I continue to belong to my group if/when/as I experience my sexuality? - What happens if I disappoint people who are important to me in terms of how I experience my sexuality? - Are there ways my sexuality and my life work intersect and/or impact one another? - When I die, what kind of sexual legacy will I have created? Throughout all of history, in every land and tradition, people have sorted themselves into two groups: those who find a way through tough circumstances and those who fail to see their way through. And, in the end, no matter the specific details, the one thing that seems most predictive of who will thrive is the person’s willingness to show up, to get involved, to just do something that shifts the energy and the system toward greater resilience and capacity. This “showing up” could be called “going with the flow”, “being aligned”, “living in the Now”, “being Present”, but whatever we call it, the showing up will always expose us, either to ourselves or to others. And once seen, we can never again fully deny our existence. This one aspect of our sexuality, alone, makes it among our most important teachers. We can run, we can hide, but ultimately, we cannot escape that we exist. To the contrary, if we see and hear our sexuality as it shows up/manifests, we increase the likelihood that we can also face ourselves in all of the other important aspects of being human. Sexuality, while fraught with obstacles, disappointments, and pain as well as pleasure, can take us where we want to go in terms of the very human traits of humility, courage, genuineness, empowerment, wisdom, and even love. Does this mean that we need to naively set out to have as many sexual experiences as possible? No, it does not. But it does mean that we need to hold our sexuality in high esteem. Thus, much like a servant who enters the chamber of a Lord, the servant spends more time preparing to enter the chamber than s/he will spend in the chamber. To bring honor to ourselves, we must respect that our sexuality is among our most sacred, powerful gifts and seek to bring it honor as we consciously, reflectively act sexually for purposes of beauty, good, and truth. Depending upon our circumstances, relationships, and developmental levels, any of the following sexual acts may be legitimate. Under different circumstances, any of the same acts could be considered illegitimate. - Masturbation in one’s own bedroom - Celibacy while focused on a sports contest - Fantasies of wild exotic sexual practices with one’s sexual partner - Sexual intercourse four or five times during the day - Sexual pleasuring of each other without any genital penetration In summary, Day Three invites us to value our sexual experiences as life teachers. Consider that if we adopt one pattern or approach to our sexual behavior, never changing or reflecting upon it to learn from it, our sexuality becomes stagnant, compulsive. The alternative is messy and often takes us into awkwardness, even painful experiences, but it is the path of learning and of transformation. Questions for reflection: 1. What are one or two lessons I have learned from my sexual experiences so far in my life? 2. How have I played a role in teaching important life lessons to others through my/our expressions of our sexuality? 3. How can the lessons I have learned through my sexuality bring benefits to other aspects of my life and the lives of others? Affirmation: Sexuality is a sacred gift, not only because of the pleasure it gives me, but also because of the lessons it can teach me throughout my life.