Untangling Life after Loss

[BOLD Title] The Power of Self-Knowledge As a culture, we don't often align grief with personal growth. Instead, we have reduced grief to a momentary weakness that must be overcome. However, the grief process forces deep, honest introspection that requires investment in personal growth. As much as this post-loss period is a transition into life without your loved one, it is also a time for you, the griever, to get to know yourself more deeply. A focus on improved self-knowledge allows you to recognize healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms as you develop your self-care plan. Such awareness will identify potential obstacles to healing and provide an opportunity to apply corrections when needed. Grief can be a very raw experience and if grievers are not honest with themselves about their strengths and weakness, grief can become an even more difficult endeavor. As a griever, you can only give thoughtful attention to yourself once you strip away distractions that impede your ability to be still and listen to what your mind, body, and spirit require for healing. We need to get to know our selves as grievers, not the persona we display for friends, family, and colleagues. Your self is the foundation on which you will build our life-in-grief. Getting real with ourselves requires hard work. The good news is that you already have a wealth of information (which you may need to unearth) and what you don’t yet know, you can learn. The bad news is you may encounter things you don’t like in yourself or are afraid to deal with. By facing these personal difficulties, we better ourselves. The work of increasing your self-knowledge is a demolition of ineffective things, the erection of empowerment, and the construction of the future you wish to live. The following nine suggestions are designed to empower you to deepen your self-awareness and develop a lasting path for life-long self-improvement. [BOLD, Italic Sub-heading] Have I Met Me? Get to Really Know Yourself Becoming reacquainted with yourself constitutes the beginning of a grief self-assessment (mentioned in Chapter One) meant to help you discern what you most need during your healing process. We may think we know ourselves, but we mostly know ourselves through filters from outside of us—work, friends, family, relationships, etc. Once we remove distractions and sit in quiet and solitude, your needs for a productive grieving period emerge. Getting to know yourself is an exercise in understanding what makes you function, particularly during times of acute stress. If you have not had to deal with many high-stress situations in life, this is the time to keenly observe your stress responses. If you have experienced frequent stress responses, now is the time to examine behavioral patterns that emerge during these instances, and to build on healing behaviors you already possess. In as much as grieving is about feeling and expressing the loss of love, the grief period is also about exposing your vulnerabilities (to yourself and others) and reconfiguring how you approach the world after your loss. To do this, you need to know who you were before your loss, realize who you are amidst loss, and consider who you want to be in the future. This process is an investment of time and emotional energy in yourself. Because life’s obligations do not stop in the wake of your loss, forming daily or weekly practices devoted to better understanding your emotions, your needs at this time, and your priorities is an important part of the transition process. Self-examination forces you to face aspects of yourself that you may not care for and wish you didn’t possess. Rest assured, we all have parts of ourselves that we dislike, but those traits make us who we are…and they give us something to improve upon. This transition period is a time to examine the traits you don't like, understand why you don't like them, discern the function they serve in your life (positive or negative), and consider how you can improve those traits. Perfection is not the goal of this self-examination. The goal is learning about yourself so you may construct the best healing path for you. Consider the following ways to begin your self-exploration: (UNDERLINE bracketed sentence; single space paragraph.) [Journal thoughts in an unstructured, free-association format.] We may be tempted to journal in a framework that develops a coherent story line, but journaling can be as organized, messy, and spontaneous as you wish. Examine your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors throughout the day and direct the discussion very deliberately at yourself to investigate your behavior, thoughts, feelings, and anxieties or fears. Ask: why did I feel/act this way? What is this really about? What am I sensitive to now that I may not have been before? Journaling keeps your thoughts private while allowing self-exploration without leaving you vulnerable before another person. (UNDERLINE bracketed sentence, single space paragraph) [Spend time alone—no phone, no computer, no devices period.] Allow the thoughts and emotions you have tried to distract yourself from to rise and make themselves known in your consciousness. Being alone can be daunting—we have thoughts about ourselves that are unpleasant and we confront uncomfortable feelings. Unless the thoughts focus on self-harm, though uncomfortable they are acceptable. By being alone with yourself, you will begin to understand more of what you need to attend to in your healing process. Whether they are thoughts of how you feel about your lost loved one, fears for the present and future, or frustrations from your daily life, these thoughts present knowledge that you can transform into actionable steps toward healing. (UNDERLINE bracketed sentence, single space paragraph) [If you feel lost and don't know how to begin reintroducing yourself to you, consider therapy.] Not all of us live in environments where self-examination is encouraged or accepted. Therefore, it may be especially difficult to get to know yourself after loss if such a practice is discouraged. Meeting with a therapist can help you develop tools that will teach you how to undertake a self-assessment and learn to recognize yourself as you are.