Healing the Trauma of Psychological Abuse

This book is unapologetically written for women. Around the world in 2018, there are thousands of women searching for understanding, support and help in healing from the soul-shattering betrayal of psychological and emotional abuse by their most loved and trusted other. It is a hidden epidemic and a misunderstood taboo. Women’s suffering is minimised and demeaned. Society now understands how sexual assault or physical violence can leave scars that may never heal, especially if they happen in childhood. Western therapists understand that a single life-threatening incident can leave veterans and first responders with enduring PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). What is not understood in the mainstream community is just how damaging it is to be forced – usually by our own decency and loyalty – to endure prolonged, apparently ‘minor’ injuries from a personality disordered other to whom we are bonded. Our culture does not recognise that pathological lying, manipulation, exploitation, character assassination, financial fraud and callous cruelty - without a single punch thrown – is abuse. That such behaviour can break a person’s spirit. That a broken spirit is synonymous with a condition known as CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder), which is NOT yet recognised by the Western Psychological ‘Bible’, the DSM (diagnostic and statistic manual). For these reasons, women who have been suddenly abandoned or find themselves running in fear of their sanity are left out in the cold. Rather than support and understanding in their families and communities, they find mockery, blame and scorn. Rather than acknowledgment from Western therapists that their trauma – which often resembles exactly the trauma of PTSD – is legitimate, they are frequently misdiagnosed and offered treatment that is entirely inappropriate for their condition. People want to compare their situation with ‘normal’ divorces, ‘normal’ break ups. But there is no such comparison to be made when one partner is without conscience, remorse or empathy. When one partner vengefully seeks to destroy the other by whatever means, whilst appearing innocent and charming. When one partner has a personality disorder. Blamed for having abnormal emotional and psychological issues when we escape our disguised abuser; the causal nature of our suffering completely overlooked; we are dismissed as ‘blamers’ ourselves. Asked to repeat our confusing and complex stories by therapists and lawyers, sufferers are re-traumatised over and over until we learn to just shut up about it. Hide our suffering. Suppress it. Pretend we are ‘over it’. Keep calm and carry on. Often from a place of utter devastation, from whence we must rebuild whole lives and Selves that have been brutally shattered by the behaviour of our former intimate partner. Our only relief and validation is found behind the closed doors of society. Driven after-hours into online forums, chat groups and Facebook groups where we find other survivors whose stories all bear the same hallmarks. We slowly unravel the shock, grief and anger of being psychologically manipulated. It can take years, depending on which healing methods we stumble across. Depending on how much support and validation is available to us in our existing circle of friends. Depending on how many more setbacks we encounter in our social, professional, financial, sexual, emotional lives. Because we are by nature, givers, sharers, people pleasers, compromisers, co-operators, co-dependents or compliants, (easy prey), our damaged ‘energetic wiring’ can magnetically attract more and more exploiters and manipulators. Our exaggerated emotional reactiveness can create more social and professional damage. We can sustain more and more loss even after our homes, jobs, businesses, family and friends are long gone. We can feel and look crazy at times. Our individual maladaptive coping responses can drive us further and further into isolation, despair and victimhood. This book is my gesture from that lived experience. It is not written from the perspective of a therapist who has treated men and women recovering from psychological abuse. Nor is it written by a mature and experienced Buddhist teacher. Rather, it is an account of just one woman’s journey in the context of one life, one country, one era. It is the result of four years of dedicated research and experimentation of: victim’s stories; mental health forums; a library of psychology, trauma-recovery, Buddhism and mindfulness books; workshops; retreats; book study groups; survivor groups; alternative modalities; cognitive behaviour therapy; daily mindfulness, yoga and meditation practice. Because I firmly believe that in every story there might well be a hidden gem that might affirm and inspire us. That reading about another person’s journey in life can help us on our own journey. I encourage the reader to remind yourself as you read this book that it is all just opinion, conjecture, theory. Ask yourself, “is this true for me?” We are the only experts in our lives. No book, doctrine, theory or person can rescue us from our own condition. Only we can really do that for ourselves. What works for one person will not work for another. As much as this is an obvious truism, it is worth reminding ourselves of it. If it works for me, keep it, and if it doesn’t, let it go. If it hurts too much to read it, let it go and come back to it later when I’m ready. If it makes me too sad, angry or afraid, let it go because the time is not right to ‘go there’. The realities of psychological abuse are brutal. It is my sincere and heartfelt hope that this book will help you find what you need to know now. I hope it will uplift, encourage, and validate you. That it will help you find the courage to awaken to your own suffering and recover your own basic decency. Your own good heart. That it will serve as a useful stepping stone towards taking personal responsibility for your own healing. I hope you will receive the little offerings in these pages as a gift. From one survivor to another. This is what I learnt. “There is a misconception that Buddhism is a religion, and that you worship Buddha. Buddhism is a practice, like yoga. You can be Christian and practice Buddhism. I met a Catholic priest who lives in a Buddhist monastery in France. He told me that Buddhism makes him a better Christian. I love that.” Thich Nhat Hanh