The Storm under My Skin

INTRODUCTION “Empty me of everything known and fill me with a new kind of Love. Burn all I know and fill me with all Unknown. Let the uncertainty be my guiding light through all that’s to come. Let logic succumb to Love and let Love only ever lead the way.” - Monica Kade I’ve been a walking skeleton, I’ve been overweight, I also had a short stint as a bodybuilder and built a great physique. I’ve calorie counted, done the raw food thing, tried cleanses, juice fasts, shakes, food fasts, purposely not eaten, binged and purged. I’ve had meal plans of all sorts from three meals a day through to six meals a day. High carb and low carb diets have also graced me with their presence. I’ve used macros ratios (tracking the number of grams of protein, carbohydrates, and fats consumed on a particular day) and overeaten plenty of times. Throughout the first couple of years of primary school, aside from when my younger siblings and I stayed with my grandmother, our family was vegetarian. But from about year 2 (seven years old), our family went back to eating meat. Diet pills, diuretics, and laxatives are not unfamiliar to me. Over the course of my life, when it has come to food and using it as a means to an end, I’ve pretty much done it all. For 11 years I lived with two monsters; anorexia and bulimia nervosa. With their powers combined, they took over my mind, body and soul. My light never completely went out but it sure dwindled to a flame that would only burn to keep my heart beating. The greatest lesson I was gifted, having attained a very skinny unhealthy body (at the expense of my health) was that no matter what the outside looks like, it will never change the inside. The inside will remain. When I got to this point, it was then I realised that attaining a particular body shape and size made no difference to how I felt or, most importantly, to who I was. Part of the reason I wrote this book was that I was having more and more conversations with people around food, exercise and their bodies. They would frequently ask what I eat, how I work out and various other questions about healthy living. Mainly because they knew my history and saw me as a point of counsel. Quite often, people would ask me how I have the perspective and outlook on life that I do? That’s when I began to realise how one of the most challenging times of my life had brought me to an awareness that may potentially support others to live truly healthy lives. I battled with my body for many, many years before arriving at the peaceful place I am at now. A place where my exercise and food choices are effortless. A place not consumed by constant mind chatter on food and my body. It’s taken me a third of my life to get here (I’m 32 now), and while that may seem like a long time and a lot of effort, I can tell you I wouldn’t change a thing. So why did I write this book? Well, to be honest, the book chose me. I remember one day, the feeling nestled in upon my heart and in that moment I thought to myself, I think I’m about to write the book (knowing very well what “the” book was about). I had already written the practical part (which you’ll find in the second half of the book) in 2015 and published it as an eBook, without my journey in detail. Since I’m quite private and selective with what and whom I choose to share things, I took some time to ponder the idea. Did I really want to share this story? But in truth, I already knew deep down it was going to be written. My heart said so. This book is an offering of lessons and insights based on my experience as well as what I’ve learned along the way about who I am, the power of the mind and what healthy living means and how it looks. It’s is a reminder that healthy living isn’t about lack. Healthy living is not about fixing yourself. Nor can it be driven from a search to become someone or arrive somewhere because we’re unhappy with where we are. Even if we do arrive at this place we “think” we want to be, we will never attain what we’re looking for there. Our fullness and completeness are not derived from the external. The health and wellbeing journey is not surface level; there are many layers to it and through this experience, I’ve learned to Be and live through this body rather than be the body and try to fix it. If you’ve picked up this book because you want to “become” some idealised illusion the world projects, stop reading. This book is not for you. If you want a quick fix, a remedy, a diet, a workout plan or a magical pill to morph you into a supermodel or Arnold Schwarzenegger, then step away because you'll be disappointed. Change happens in one moment but not from that mindset. If however, you are interested in making peaceful and sustainable changes to your health and wellbeing and are prepared (even though you might be scared, worried or doubting yourself) to give whatever it takes to creating a lifestyle that supports a healthy body, mind and soul then keep reading! My greatest wish in sharing these words is that you look within yourself and realise that only you have the power to change your life. And you can.