Swept Under the Carpet

The day has arrived and well, I am here! Sitting in the Specialist’s waiting room, I flick through a Mothering Magazine which didn’t really resonate with me and then opposite me I see the door open. In front of me is this very tall man saying hello to me and gesturing me towards him. I quickly looked at his hands and made a silent gasp. I walk through the doorway with my specialist gesturing to a seat opposite him. I smile and hand over to him previous records and a copy of the referral from my General Practitioner. My new specialist was very courteous and told me a little about himself and what he specialised in and that he had already received a copy of my referral. Looking at me with a likeable smile on his face, he asked me to tell him in my own words, what I have experienced lately ‘down there’ and also a little regarding the previous operation. Whilst doing this, he jot down some notes and whilst doing that nodded his head with a ‘yes’ motion and looked up at me to maintain the eye contact. Having listened attentively to me telling him my story of the events, he advised that to get a better understanding of the situation, he would need to do an internal. Oh no I thought! I knew he had to, but if this is done, it means this is really happening and that I am inevitably going to get a confirmation of what is actually ‘going on down there.’ Where’s the door, I want to run and get out of here! My specialist stood up and moved forward to open another door for me and gestured me to enter. Oh dear, this isn’t the exit I wanted, this is the examination room and struth, look at that ‘rig’ I have to sit on???? I’ll spare you the dialogue details of the examination, as already I probably have lost some readers who may have chosen to throw the book into the bin! But carry on I will to share my story for the sake of all beautiful woman on this planet who have to go through this medical procedure for the sake of their physical health and wellbeing. He discreetly left the consultation room to allow me to ‘tidy up’ and gestured for me to meet him back in his office. Well, here we go I thought! What is the prognosis please? My doctor made some notes intently looking down at his records and slowly looked up at me. He begins to talk and I sense that I am beginning to feel rather faint and his voice is sounding a tad distorted. ‘Oh no, am I going to faint?’ I take a deep breath, straighten my back and with a jolt I am back and present in the room. Just what I thought – the previous procedure has been in my eyes unsuccessful and my specialist just confirms that for me. Hence, ‘that’ needs to be replaced. ‘That’ is the meshing placed and hooked strategically in my body to keep in place vital organs, so that the organs cease to prolapse towards the vagina putting pressure in the area. Oooo, just writing this I feel so exposed! ‘Carry on Carmel! This needs to be voiced for sake of all women!’ ‘Deep breath-front and centre!’ But, for it all to work even more effectively a full hysterectomy will be beneficial. Hearing this I leaned forward in my chair with my jaw and head jolt forward. ‘What? Are you referring to remove... everything?’ I made contact with his eyes and searched them for some clarity as if I had received the information incorrectly. Dr ‘Likeable’ with a pen in his hands gestured that my eyes followed the direction onto his desk. He proceeded to indicate on a very large brochure what needed to be done, and I was ‘gob smacked’ by the number of pictures with very long names under them, that he circled to show me what he suggested was necessary. Oh gosh, I am beginning to feel very faint again! This meant removing EVERYTHING! Sitting in a state of disbelief, I sensed tears brimming in my eyes and my bottom lip began to involuntary quiver. ‘Carmel, remain dignified please’ I hear myself speak. Who am I trying to kid? There is no dignity remaining for me or any other woman or maiden who needs to have these procedures where they are going to remove the essence of being potentially a fertile, creative, nurturing, reproductive, female energy, hormone charged awesome embodied machine! At this stage I verbalised to Dr ‘Likeable’ that I am feeling overwhelmed and sad. As he would hands folded in front of him he leaned a little forward over his very neat, clean pristine professional silky oak desk and in a low voice blended with warmth as well as in a matter of fact manner said for a woman my age and previous issues this would be the best option. Suddenly I was jolted again out of the strange space I went to when I heard my age ring in my ear! What was just said? Come again?