"I AM" … from Fear to Freedom

After Sue died, the sadness and loss I felt with her gone brought to the surface some other old unhealed feelings of loss and sadness. Some of this was around my mother and my ex-husband. It took an unwanted trip through what must have looked and certainly felt like depression to recover and heal that repressed pain.

The mornings greeted me with a mind full of negativity, which seemed to go on and on. During this time, I kept thinking I didn’t want to do this anymore, and thoughts of taking my life were floating along with some of those other nasty little critters. It was like being awake yet having a horrible nightmare. I remained aware and affirmed over and over again, “I AM” love; “I AM” love; only love is real, “I AM” love. Eventually I would get out of bed and pretty well get on with my day. I kept to myself most of the time. I didn’t look forward to going to bed at night because of what I might wake up to the next morning.

And sure enough, there it was again. Each morning, right on time, they were back. The idea that there was something seriously wrong with me was adding to the already-dark mood. The idea of talking to someone was equally fearful because the last thing I wanted was to have my deepest fears confirmed. What I was really afraid of was what people would think and what might happen to me if I told them my deepest, darkest thoughts. Each morning I was confronted by my own fearful thoughts, and although I knew there was help out there, I was too scared to seek it.

As I look back, I can see that the help I needed in that moment was already present within me. Unbeknown to me, that request I made all those years ago to find myself and the commitment to heal my life were being acknowledged. I can see now that old limiting programming and those attachments hanging on for dear life and doing their best to maintain power and control over me. When I fought to suppress the pain, I also repressed that which lay beneath it. Finally as I let go, I didn’t drop further into the hole but stopped the downward spiral. The power of my persistence gave that invisible higher and more loving self the green light to rise up over the wall of resistance, bringing with it anything that was not of love to be resolved and dissolved. With that I found relief.

Now I can better understand why people hold onto their loved ones, even after death, and why it can take so long to move through the grief. It’s as if when we let go we will forget, and then there will be nothing left. Instead, it is in the letting go that we rekindle with the love of that “being” that lies beneath the grief. Grief doesn’t keep the love alive; it keeps the pain alive, which overshadows the real love that goes way beyond the body. When we let go of the person, whether they die or simply leave, we become enlightened again to love, and enlivened to the loving memories whilst living in the present. As we let go, it might feel like our heart is breaking, but it is the dammed-up grief that surrounds our heart that breaks, and we experience the outpouring. Now the loving heart can expand and shine through again without boundaries, and natural well-being can be restored.

That morning I went to the beach, which was my daily ritual. As I was in the ocean, I became aware of a gentle, peaceful voice from within. It was my own voice offering me choices. It went something like this: “This is the perfect opportunity: you can let go and float out to sea and leave this body, or you can let go and live in this body. It’s your choice, and whatever you choose is perfect.” There was no judgment, no guilt, and no fear, just a sense of calm. It was from this place of calmness that I knew I wasn’t finished in this body, and I chose to stay.

The next morning I awoke to those same negative thoughts, only this day was different; something had changed. It was like those thoughts were outside me, going past as if they were on a train; like a Sushi Train you find in a restaurant. I could choose any thought I wanted, or I could leave them all on the train and let them chuff on by. I was simply an observer. They were not impacting on me at all, and I chose not to buy into them. That train passed by many mornings, and each time I acknowledged them and chose not to invite those thoughts in. Over the next few days, that train of thought disappeared.

“I AM” … Accepting the Unacceptable

It took me a long time to fully realise the great power of acceptance. I remember Dr. John Harrison, who said in his book Love Your Disease more than twenty years ago, something along these lines: “When you try to change everything and accept nothing, nothing changes. When you accept everything and try to change nothing, everything changes.”

As I look back, I recognise that even though I forgave myself over and over again, nothing changed. My unwillingness to accept the things that happened in my life kept the grief alive in me for such a long time. I realise, and now accept, how much the power of self-judgment and making myself wrong all these years caused such shocking pain and rejection of myself, and therefore love. When I let go of having to be right about the idea that there must be something wrong with me, I could accept what I had been resisting for years: the love of my true self or true love, and there was no need for forgiveness. Finally, as acceptance replaced judgment, all that pain that had burdened me and hardened me for years quickly diminished and I softened.

I was able to put to rest those old childhood fears. I came to terms with my mother’s life and her death. And twenty years after leaving my husband, I could finally let him go. Now I can see that my promise to myself was greater than my promise to my husband, and at last I’m okay with that. It is in the final acceptance that I can put the blame, shame, and resentment to rest and allow all regrets to regress into nothingness.

Depression often shows up as a by-product for most CFS sufferers and many other diseases and conditions. Unfortunately for some people, when they get into that dark hole, they feel that suicide is the only way out.

“I AM” … From Depression to Expression

I found that if we treat depression as a symptom of disease - that is to say we are in conflict with our soul self - we may well find, as I did, unresolved fear, grief, and trauma beneath those symptoms, which equates to unloved aspects of self just wanting and waiting to evolve. That is to say to come into the light to be loved and accepted.

I liken it to going through a tunnel. By staying aware and giving in, not giving up, divine intervention took place. Without realising it, I was guided through the darkness to the other side into the light of love. The breakdown was in truth a magical breakthrough to discovering and expressing much more of “what’s right with me.”

Depression alone is not a problem. Often the judgments, labels, and stigma we attach to it make that hole deeper and harder to get out of. I agree that sometimes we need medication for the depression, to support the person to live on a day-to-day basis. However, we can also use medication and other drugs to escape the pain. This can also add to pushing the real problem deeper, increasing the resistance to what is trying so desperately to come into our awareness.

I learned that every time I labeled a thought or feeling, I judged it as good or bad. Now I simply acknowledge that I am having strong thoughts or strong feelings, which I either like or dislike. By acknowledging them without labeling them, I found that they lost their power over me.