Rewired Life

Introduction

Everybody has something to deal with: a mountain to climb, a hole to dig out of, a ravine to cross, or a demon conquer. Mine was called chronic pain and endometriosis.

In 1995 at age 14, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, a painful reproductive disease that occurs when cells lining the uterus grow outside the uterus and into other areas of the abdomen and body. The disease can cause pain, irregular bleeding, infertility, and myriad other symptomatic issues. According to Endometriosis.org an estimated 176 million women and girls, or approximately 1 in 10, are affected by endometriosis to varying degrees worldwide. After being diagnosed, I spent the next decade as a permanent fixture in doctors’ offices, enduring surgeries, hormone treatments, pain medication, muscle relaxers, mood stabilizers, and various therapies to help with the excruciating amount of physical pain. The height of pain was between the years of 20072009.

For two weeks out of the month, during menstruation and ovulation, you could find me in bed or on the sofa, sporting the latest fashion in hooded sweatshirts and yoga pants, snuggling with my cats. It sucked not to get out of bed for days, to have taken the maximum dosage of pain pills before noon, and to feel so drugged up and foggy that I couldn’t recall 50 percent of the conversation I’d just held. Since I had endured chronic pain for so long, what was worse was that a pain level of 6 was a good day.

I know now that it is possible to live free of chronic pain and free of the symptoms of endometriosis. It is possible to feel no pain and be fully functioning during every day of menstruation and ovulation. But it took almost two decades to discover the possibilities. It took almost two decades to discover my power.

In January 2009, I snapped. I not only hit rock bottom, but I also kept digging. It wasn’t until my perspective shifted that I began a journey to really heal my body and spirit. I embraced a holistic lifestyle of clean eating, acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, kinesiology, yoga, and meditation. I thought I knew my body. I thought I knew how to take care of myself. But all I knew was pain.

I started listening to my whole body, mind, and spirit. Now I view my body as a message board that displays what is going on in my spirit and psyche. Endometriosis and chronic pain clearly affected my physical body, and as years went on layer upon layer of pain affected my emotional body more than I ever knew. Although the emotional body can be difficult to comprehend, the physical body isn’t. I like to imagine the emotional body as an exact copy of the physical body, just as an amebic overlay. I ignored my emotional body for far too long. I treated it like some ugly stepsister that I kept shoving into the corner. When it did work up the courage to say something, I looked at it like an imbecile. Worthless, annoying, and stupid. I bullied that part of myself, beating up my emotional body, leaving it shaking and crying, huddled in the corner with fear.

At the same time, my physical body was riddled with pain. And I gave it my full attention. So when specialists told me they could do nothing more, that moment sparked a downward spiral. What do you do when everything you’ve ever known to do no longer works? When the system you’ve put all your hopes in for recovery no longer has answers? I chased more doctors and more specialists down the rabbit hole of more tests and more pills.

At my darkest hour, my beaten emotional body stood up from the corner and asked, “Are you going to listen to me now? I’m the one hurting and broken. I need love and attention. I know so much, and there is so much I have to tell you.”

My endometriosis story starts the day my endometriosis ends. My story starts the day of my fourth laparoscopy surgery as my surgeon told my husband and I there was no visible sign of endometriosis. My endometriosis story starts the day my specialist told me, “There is nothing more I can do for you.” My endometriosis story starts the day I embraced my demons and embraced that endometriosis is in my heart, in my head, in my spirit, and in every cell in my body. Endometriosis hurt every part of my being. Endometriosis took me away from me. I didn’t love me. I didn’t love my body. I didn’t love living my life.

Now I know my endometriosis story has power. My story picks up where the doctors left off, where I discovered myself and embrace myself. I am the only one with the power to shower myself with the unconditional love needed to dig out of the corner this disease put me in.

Through it all, I reclaimed the connection to my body, what it needs, and the right to express and honor that, especially in the presence of doubt and negativity. I continue to shrink the disconnection between my head and my heart, reconnecting to my whole self. I now trust my internal compass and wisdom.

Rewired Life is my story about overcoming physical pain and disease. Rewired Life is also about acknowledging, accepting, and loving all parts of myself. It is my story of how I healed my physical, emotional, and spiritual body.

Everyone is worthy and deserving of health and well-being. I don’t know your story or what your mountain looks like. What I do know is that we all have our own journeys. We have to discover what course of action fits our individual needs. And when we let go of fear, resentment, and negativity, we move from darkness into light.