My Eyes Are Open

Catch my Breath

One early morning it hit me, I woke up to the revelation that something needed to change in my life very soon or I would not emotionally survive. My body was shaking and I was in a deep sweat. At first I thought, am I ill? I don't really feel sick just a little nervous, what was going on in my life? Nothing really I could thing of at the time. I went to lay back down take a few deep breaths and collect my thoughts. I felt my eyes beginning to fill up and then I began to cry uncontrollably, I was not sure why, I just knew something didn't feel right side of me. So I sat quietly (something which I did VERY LITTLE OF IN LIFE) and asked myself what's wrong Janet? I waited and listened calmly. A little voice inside of me said, Janet you are miserable and unhappy, and this is not the way to live anymore. I really forgot what it was like to laugh, relax and just enjoy life. Somehow I got lost in the confusion. I felt as if I was in the dark with no way out. I went about my business for the rest of the day but kept thinking how I felt earlier that morning. A few days went by and the same experience repeated itself again, only more intense. I tried to figure out what was going on inside of me. What was my mind trying to tell me? Maybe I just need to sit quietly to listen. So I sat and sat for a few days in the morning, midday and at night prior to bed. First I thought it was the things in my outer world. Maybe living in my present home was not the right place for me. Yeah, that's it, I will move to another city or state. Wait, I can't leave my children or family, how would they manage without me? Next I thought, maybe it's my friends,, yes that's it, they are not good influences on me, so I could say goodbye to them, and meet new people that would make me feel better about me. I could then surround myself with people who are happier and enjoying their lives better than I. But, as I looked around the world which I created for myself I could not find people who were truly happy, in any sense of the word. I then looked at my current occupation. I was in the same position for about 25 years, maybe I was burning out, okay I will consider switching careers, going back to school, and do something different. , certainly learning to trade would make me feel happier. As the days went on reality continued inevitably to creep up in my thoughts, I have to make an income to support myself and my family, this is absolutely not the time to go back to school.

Everything I thought and did felt wrong, how did I make so many mistakes in my life? Do you ever feel like this? I even had a wave of anger come over me (now, anger is not a typical place I like to reside,) so I said to myself, “stopping stop feeling angry.” I blamed myself for my unhappiness? What did I do wrong? Does this sound familiar?

Oh my gosh, as I look back I see I was my own worst enemy, my own inner critic was calling the shots and I listened thinking it was the right thing to do. Somehow my inner voice, at least that's what I thought it, was at the time said “you are not good enough or just not lovable, you are overweight, not beautiful, and insecure. Who would want you anyway? Even your husband rejects you. What terrible things to say to yourself. So demeaning… I did not see myself as deserving to live a happy life. Oh MY GOD where is all this coming from? It was like a pressure cooker that just exploded inside of me. As I look back I realize it was my ego (the part of you that can tell you incapable of doing anything, the words are harsh, literally crippling any hopes of self-worth, self confidence, trust and faith in ones self.. etc..)

As I look back I realize it was my inner voice, spirit, my intuition, my higher self - talking to me, it was telling me it is time for significant change. It was telling me you cannot live like this anymore, or you will not make it. What was happening to me? Maybe I was depressed. Yes, among a boatload of other overpowering negative patterns. That was enough for me to start realizing why I had these thoughts and what I was going to do about them. I really know where I was going; I just knew I had a determination, a passion, and willingness to change things for the better.

I decided to venture out on a quest, if you will a soul-searching mission quite unsure and afraid of what I could and would find. I wanted my answers quickly. I didn't want to wait for anything now... I would stay up until exhaustion many nights. I could not sleep anyway, so I took the time to read, research and learn about what was going on inside of me. I went from website to website reading articles and journals. I read words of inspiration and words of emotional pain of others…I kept reading, writing, I put my thoughts down on paper. I would literally do anything that would bring me to my “Aha” moment. The one that would say to me,” I get it, I understand I, and now I will take action to change.” I will do whatever it takes to feel whole again.” Have feelings like this ever crossed your mind? Have you reached a point in time when you know there is something more, much more?