Sand in Your Sandpile
Facing Life's Stresses
by
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The story goes like this. We all have a sandpile. We all need sand in that sandpile. Our sandpile is our emotional reserve, our stockpile of emotional goodies, our emotional nurturance, our emotional resources. It's our emotional "umpph".
We all deplete our sandpiles daily. We give out emotional energy to the people in our lives, to our work, to the business of living, to coping with stress. We need to replenish our sandpiles.
The important question is what puts sand back in our sandpiles…
… Lots of people have depleted sandpiles. I guess that’s the third part of the story – how stress depletes sandpiles and how depleted sandpiles limit our ability to manage stress. Stress has significant negative effects on health (44% of all adults suffer adverse health effects from stress; 75-90% of all physician visits are for stress-related ailments and complaints; and stress is linked to the 6 leading causes of death in the U.S.) (Smith & Miller). Stress is therefore expensive – not only direct healthcare costs but job absenteeism, reduced productivity, and worker's compensation benefits ($300 billion annually which is $7500 per worker per year). Of course, all stress is not bad – it's part of challenge, excitement, the big positive events in life as well as the difficulties. But what do you do about its effects when they are negative?
Since self-care is such a big part of stress reduction and resilience as well as stress inoculation, I wanted to create "user friendly" access to practical psychological practices. Self-care is very important in managing stress and in taking charge of our lives. Sand in your sandpile builds your psychological immune system (which also strengthens your physical immune system) and reinforces your resilience. I cannot emphasize how crucial that is in managing and weathering stress in life – the big stresses and the small ones.
You could say this workbook is about loving kindness toward self and toward others with the goal of building the psychological immune system through self-care, solid self-esteem, knowing where your power is, and how to address the natural blocks to coping. The guiding principle is respect – for self and others. With respect for self and others people can create lives for themselves that they want to live in. Remember that self-care is not selfish. The dictionary defines selfishness as being concerned excessively with oneself, seeking and concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure or well-being without regard for others. Self-care is not disregarding of others. It is respectful of oneself and others….. from the Introduction pp. 8-9
Worth Does Not Equal the 3 A's, Achievement, Accomplishment or Ability
Whatever else worth is, it is not about our talents or our performance. Some of our self-esteem may be influenced by those aspects of self, but our worth is something much bigger and deeper.
So what is it? People sometimes say our sense of worth comes from our parents and family which is often where our SENSE of our worth is derived. Some people say worth comes from God or a Higher Power. We certainly experience being valued and worthy in certain activities – family situations, loving and being loved.
Regardless of the spiritual origins, I like the idea of worth being related to our good hearts. I think it's a good starting place for lots of people. With a good heart you mean well, want to try, want to do good, want to do right. It also acknowledges our struggles with operating from the better part of ourselves; from our good hearts we are making the effort to operate out of love not fear. We're not perfect, but we want to be the best we can. I have a good heart even though I make mistakes and even though sometimes I'm not my best.
What do you believe about human worth? Do you find yourself attributing your worth to accomplishments, achievements, or abilities?
Complete the following sentence in at least five different ways: With my good heart, I try to ___________________________________________________.
From Self-Esteem section p. 27
…The primary reason to change one thing at a time is to set yourself up for success. It is difficult enough to change anything so why set yourself up for the confusion and frustration of so many balls in the air that you can't catch any of them? I'm a fan of setting yourself up for success.
Keep your eye on the prize. If you focus on one behavior you have a better chance of successfully altering it in the way you want. Supposedly it takes about 3 weeks of consistency to make something a habit. If you work on adding one behavior to your repertoire for three weeks, then you can decide if you are ready to add another.
It is a good idea when attempting to subtract a behavior to think of it as adding a substitute behavior. Most of us do better on the more side rather than the less side. Most of us don't like deprivation. If you want to eat less sugar, frame it as what other food you are going to eat more of…. From Change One Thing at a Time in Empowerment section p. 39
…We want to be self-nurturing. We want sand in our sandpiles. So why don't we do what we know to do to take care of ourselves? We have good intentions, but we often don't follow them. What interferes? …
Are we more stubborn than smart? Are we proud? Are we rebellious? Is it insistence on our own power or our own way? Whatever it is, it is not productive. I’m sure you're familiar with the popular litmus test, "Is that working for you? " Unfortunately, sometimes we don't seem as smart as white mice. Do you recognize any patterns in your behavior that don't produce the results you want, but that you have continued? … From I Know What To Do. Why Don’t I Do It? Section p. 50
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About the Book
How much sand is in your sandpile? Do you have lots of sand, or just a little? Our sandpiles are our emotional reserves. We constantly give the sand in our sandpiles away as we give to others, our work, our families, and the tasks of daily life. Lots of us have depleted sandpiles. This depletion diminishes our ability to manage stress, which in turn can have negative effects on our physical and emotional health. How do we replenish our emotional reserves? Do you know what puts sand in your sandpile? Sand in Your Sandpile looks at how we can build our emotional reserves through nurturance and comfort, self-esteem, and empowerment. It examines what keeps us from doing the self-care we know we need. Using stories and metaphors, Dr. Kearney examines life attitudes that influence our ability and willingness to take care of ourselves. Since self-care is such a big part of stress reduction and resilience, Kearney wanted to create user-friendly access to practical psychological practices. This workbook is about loving kindness toward self and others with the goal of building a psychological immune system. Through self-care, self-esteem and knowing where your power is, you can learn how to address the natural blocks to coping. The guiding principle is respect for self and others. The goal is to facilitate personal motivation and methods of self-care. In this guide, you are encouraged to personalize the material, do the user-friendly exercises, and put sand in your sandpile. With self-care, you can create a life you want to live.
About the Author
Deborah A. Kearney, PhD, a practicing psychologist for over thirty years, received her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Georgia in 1982. Her commitment to people’s healing led her to create this workbook as a way to expand the reach of healing psychological concepts. Her admiration of her daughter’s talent led her to incorporate her daughter’s artwork, conceiving of the project as one they could create together.
Emily Kearney-Williams, who has been an artist since age two, is now a college sophomore and has won numerous awards for her drawings and paintings, including some of the ones in this workbook. Emily and her parents live in Georgia and like being outside, hiking, kayaking, camping and traveling, artichokes, chocolate, word play, animals, laughing out loud, and being with family and friends.
This workbook is a reflection of their interests and values, as well as a practical application of psychological principles DK finds helpful to people.