Your Indestructible Core

You may have attempted to change something in you, whether a habit, diet, depression, insecurities or simply achieve more success. You may have resolved that things will be different from now on. You might have been able to sustain some momentum for a few days. But then it happens! We crash and burn yet again. Why? This little book will show you why. Somewhere deep within us, we somehow know that we have the ability to create massive and lasting change, in an instant. I've always been amazed how a single traumatic experience can scar us so deeply, sometimes for life. We don't visualize a trauma or phobia for 21 days, we don't pray about it, we don't “fake it till we make it.” A single event can have such a profound impact on our behavior, our emotions and our sense of identity. We don't forget to have the nightmares. We don't need sticky notes in the mirror to remind us to feel afraid. We don't need to listen to MP3s while we commute. The brain has a powerful ability to influence itself in “permanent” ways. It's time to learn how to tap that ability consciously. This book has a peculiar style. It is written in such a way to deliberately assist you in codifying the information for easy assimilation and use. It uses “parentheses within parentheses;” it seems to go off a tangent and then comes back to the initial topic. This is done because (a) some learning must be put in place before additional learning can be properly assimilated, (b) to set the necessary emotional tone for proper assimilation, and (c) so we can tell our brain how and when to access the new learning. Accordingly, it is highly recommended that the book is read in order, from beginning to end. The last part of the book feeds off the first. The intended effect of the book will be significantly diminished if pages are skipped. (…) We must not confuse understanding with change. Our minds want to understand. We get a sense of empowerment when we understand. But understanding doesn’t necessarily lead to change. Beyond those “aha” moments, we must seek to anchor our changes into our future. This book will show you how. (…) Before we immerse ourselves in addressing the long laundry list of changes that we want in our lives, it is useful to understand what interrogators have noticed in trying to change others, and how these “laws of change” can be applied to self-work. (…) What drives our desire to change? Are we changing because we think we must, and in the process going against our own core? It’s not that we can’t make changes that go against who we really are. Unfortunately, we can! Our very social conditioning is a testament to that. But a violation of our core leaves us empty, always feeling that something is missing. It is this very feeling that keeps us looking for the next book. We must dig deep into our core to find out if the changes we want to make will really make us happy and fulfilled. (…) The next major rule of change has to do with emotional intensity. This is a big one! I mentioned traumas and phobias as evidence of our amazing ability to change quickly. What those experiences have in common is the intense emotion we feel during that experience. (…) As interrogators, we know that our subjects need an emotional jolt to be guided in the direction we want. Everything we do, from our nonverbal behavior and words to environmental props, is designed to produce intense emotional reactions. This is how change happens. Failure to engage the emotions equals failure to change. (…) And as we learn to reject anger, we neglect a simple truth. How do we ever know that our boundaries were violated? Anger! That's the mechanism that is hardwired into our system to let us know that something is threatening our wellbeing. Anger is one of the great powers we have. (p22) (…) Many of us either lost or never fully developed that sense of identity and meaning that generates our sense of purpose in life. And for most of us, life degenerated into a survival situation in which we’re left living paycheck to paycheck, seeking something – anything – to jolt us into feeling that we’re still alive, while secretly wondering why life is so long. (p29) (…) When we try to choose a new identity for us while attempting to disregard our past, the new identity feels somehow fake. It might bring power for a short while, but then we go back to a sense of meaninglessness. An identity that is not connected to our past is not really ours. It exists in that realm of the mind that we call fantasy or wishful thinking, floating just beyond our reach. (p48) (…) When we feel threatened, we feel vulnerable. The feeling of safety is gone, and exposure hurts. We shiver. It feels too raw, too naked. And so we hide from the world. We shut our doors. We close our eyes. We contract the chest. We hunch. We stop breathing or make it shallow. The fire subsides. We enter into existential hibernation. And our passion for life, our zest, our impulse for discovery and self-expression fades away.(p67) (…) Good interrogators learn at some point that there is no such thing as “difficult” people, just people with whom we quit trying. Can you imagine yourself fully confident, grounded, free, resourceful and loose when facing anyone? Contrary to popular belief, this outcome is possible. Let me share with you how we can overcome the tribal hurdle of intimidation. (p131)