Girl in the Mirror

We feed our minds daily with knowledge yet let us not forget to feed our spirits daily with truth.Chapter 1 Why February 2012I am writing this book because after 30 something years of pent up frustration and cold blooded anger, I think this might just be the best way for me to let go and on the way, make sense of the fuzziness inside my mind. It’s just I can’t pretend I am okay any more. I am going to try and trust me from here on in. I am going to try to trust my reality, my images of the past and I am going to do this all on my own. I’m going to write this book and release all my pent up frustration and anger into it. It’s either this or I go insane.I am writing to explain what happened to me; to explain my now changing self. I do so that I never forget, so that I never change back. Where did this new attitude come from? Why now? I have lots of questions even of myself. I think it is my nature, to seek out and find reasons for everything. I am writing to explain that in my world for a very long time, everything appeared normal (or healthy even). Everyone else may have thought I was normal too, except those who cared to look deeply into my eyes. They would ask “Are you okay?”, and for those that cared to keep on looking, they would see an agony so terribly deep that they didn’t know where to start. They would try to help. I would cry in reply, simple tears not too many, but they were deep ones. I was afraid to let them out. I was afraid they would never stop. I didn’t know what was wrong with me so how could I tell them? I didn’t know why I was crying. I couldn’t understand it. “Get some counselling”, they would say. I would say “Maybe”, and never would. Eventually they would stop trying and I would move on. I was out of reach, I was untouchable. I was in denial, mostly to myself. I was in so deep; I couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t know where to go. I had nowhere to go, until now. I was one tragedy leading to the next, like a major car crash waiting to happen. From afar you can see everything in slow motion, each step of the journey that ends in one big tragedy. Steps that could have easily been avoided but you know you are too late. That was me. Along the way I hit out and banged into everyone and everything but managed not to crash, until now. I see that I am the only person who can put a halt to these endless collisions. I see that I am the driver of this car, that I am the one in control. It’s me, just me; no one to cling to, no one to throw tantrums at, no one to talk to anymore. They are all gone. They are too tired to listen. They are exhausted. It is simply just me and my car. It is me and my book.So here’s where I am. I have stopped. I pulled over to the side of the curb twelve weeks ago. I stopped everything to look back, really look back. No peeping through the mirror, no quick flick around and back again. I stopped and the whole world stopped too, for me; everyone else continued as normal. For the first time in my life, I am standing still. Surprisingly enough, I am still here. I didn’t think I would make it this far. Surprisingly enough those that are too tired to talk are still here too. They are just waiting for me to calm down. They are just waiting for everything to go back to as it was. But it isn’t. I’m not going back. I’m only going forward and to do that I have to strip myself bare but in doing so, I know I will find myself again. I am making myself whole once more from the inside out.This book is not about blame rather it is about taking responsibility for ones actions and this can only be done through awareness - awareness around the things we do to each other and how we come to a conclusion that these things are somehow acceptable just because they are not intentional. It’s also about taking responsibility for our own happiness and that is what I am doing. Telling the truth makes me happy. It has taken the heavy load off my weary shoulders.This book has been written with love, lots of it. I hope someday all will see that. I am doing this to help all close to me understand. I am doing this to give answers, especially the unasked ones. I am doing this to reach out in the only way that I can. I am doing this to help all accept the new me for there is no going back, for what I accepted then I will never accept again. I am forever changed, for the better.