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Hello!

They say that with age comes wisdom. Well, it’s more like with age comes aches, pains, fatigue, memory loss, weight gain, increased gas, decreased bladder control, and—oh yes—my favorite: The Ma’am. The Ma’am is what many women fear the most. One day you’re a Miss, then maybe you’re a Mrs., or a Ms., but the dreaded day comes when someone much younger than you calls you Ma’am. You have now become the old lady in the room.

My name is Isabella Malone (Ella for short), and thanks to the cute and perky little checker at the grocery store earlier today, I have become the old lady in the room. You might be saying to yourself, “Wow! This lady sounds like she got up on the wrong side of the bed!” More like the wrong side of the hill! You see, I’ll be turning fifty tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to it about as much as I am to my annual women’s wellness exam.

Where have all the years gone? Just last week, I was twenty and having the time of my life, with my only concern being what to wear on my big date …

Fifty … Darn.

And Away We Go

It’s the morning of May 5 and I open my eyes—hey, I’m alive! I’m fifty, but I’m alive! Can I move? Yes. Do I still have all my original parts? Yes. (At least all of the important ones!)

Whew! I made it to another milestone.

I decide that I should probably get out of bed and start my day. I don’t have anywhere I need to go, since I’ve been retired—I really can’t stand that word because it makes me feel so old—for the past five or so months. My ex and I sold our business after the divorce, and I just haven’t found anything else I want to do now to make money. I have the house to myself since my husband, Pete, or “Big Pete” as everyone calls him, decided that he wanted to trade me in for a newer model and left unexpectedly last year.

At first, I felt lost because so much of my identity was tied to my kids and my husband. When my kids flew the coop, I had Pete to comfort me and make me feel safe. Then he left and a feeling of insecurity came over me that took forever to get rid of. Without my friends and family, I’m not sure how I would have ended up. Thankfully, I found out that I am a whole person with hopes and dreams. For the first time in my adult life, I’m able to take care of my needs and wants. I discovered things about myself that I’m not sure I would’ve been able to as a wife.

I look at Pete’s leaving as an unexpected gift. I got myself, and he got a twenty-eight-year-old bartender-slash-actress. I think I got the better deal!

I get out of bed, and while washing my hair in the shower, I think back more on my life.

I came from a modest background. My parents taught me that you have to work hard and smart for what you want in life. They didn’t have the money to help pay for my college, so I managed, with the help of a partial scholarship and a full-time job, to earn my business degree.

I met Pete during my junior year of college. He was everything I never knew I wanted in a man. He was this big hulk of a guy who, of course, was on the football team. We dated for two years, and after the NFL drafted him right after graduation, we got married. We lived in several big cities over the next few years, and along the way, I became pregnant with my daughter, Maggie.

Maggie is twenty-six now and lives about a half an hour away from me in Houston. She owns a very successful beauty spa in the upscale neighborhood of River Oaks. She’s also a very talented feng shui consultant and does consultations on the side. She says that she does what she does so that she can help people feel good about themselves and their surroundings. What a good girl!

My son, Michael, is twenty-four. He lives in Houston too. At twenty-three, he invented a device that has brought him top recognition in the world of science. He has since invented and developed things that have gone up in space and have helped our military. Despite all of this, he’s a down-to-earth young man with a great sense of humor and an amazing sense of honor to the community.

He donates a lot of his money to The Muscular Dystrophy Association. This is because when he and Maggie were little kids, we encouraged them to watch the Jerry Lewis Telethon every year, to show them how fortunate they were to have their health and that it’s everyone’s duty to help others. My kids started collecting coins for Jerry’s Kids back then and have continued to this day. I love my kids. (Smile.)

I step out of the shower and start toweling off, and that’s when suddenly something doesn’t feel right. I should say that my face doesn’t feel right. I reach up to touch my chin … What the heck?! I run to the mirror, and to my utter horror, I see that I have a beard! A thick mass of quill-like, inch-long auburn hair is running from ear to ear!

Oh my gosh! What’s going on? A beard! I know I didn’t wake up with one, and I sure as heck didn’t go to sleep with one. Am I crazy? No, I don’t think so, although I am carrying on a pretty long conversation with myself and for a brief time I used to wear gaucho pants … But this is real!

I start to feel faint. I don’t know what to do!

I call my doctor’s office. While the phone is ringing, I try to get a hold of myself.

The receptionist answers the phone and says, “Clark’s Clinic. How may I help you?”

“Is Dr. Clark available for a quick question?” I ask.

“Dr. Clark’s with a patient. Would you like to leave a message?”

Ummm … what to say? “Could you have him call Ella Malone as soon as he can please?”

“I will give him the message. It looks like it will be about an hour before he has free time.”

“Thank you so much,” I say and then hang up. Click.

Okay, an hour. Get dressed, eat, and try to forget about the forest growing on your chin.

The phone rings forty-five minutes later. I jump to answer it. “Hello?”

“Hi, Mom, it’s Maggie. Happy birthday!”

“Thank you, honey, but can I call you back in a bit?”

“Sure, are you all right?”

“Oh yes, I was just in the middle of something.”

“Okay. Well, see you at dinner tonight. Love you.”

“You too.” Click.

The phone rings again. “Happy birthday, Mom!”

“Hi, Michael, sweetheart. Can I call you back later?”

“Is everything okay?” he asks.

“Everything is fine. Just in the middle of something.”

“Okay, love you. ‘Bye, Mom.”

“Love you too, Michael.” Click.

The phone rings. Thankfully, it’s Dr. Clark.

“Oh Dr. Clark, thank you for returning my call! I’ve had something very strange happen to me today.”

“What seems to be the problem?” says Dr. Clark in his most official-sounding doctor voice.

“Well,” I say, “I went into the shower today, a normal woman. I came out with a beard!”

“What?” he says.

I explain what happened. He says, “Well, you know, Mrs. Malone, at your age, extreme facial hair is normal, due to the onset of meno—”

“Don’t say it!” I say, not wanting to hear how his sentence ended.

“I would suggest that if you’re uncomfortable with your facial hair, then maybe you should look into electrolysis,” he says. It’s clear that he wants to move away from this call and to his next patient with real health concerns.

“What about how quickly the hair showed up? It’s not normal?” I say, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I realize with a start that I bear an uncanny resemblance to my crazy Uncle Otto.

“That hair was probably always there, Isabella. You just didn’t notice it until today. I need to get back to my other patients. You take care now.” Click.

Oh boy …