Love Notes from Pinky

1973 - The mind and body numbing high I had achieved that night was wearing off and the events of the evening and the last several months were emerging from the fog. I was exhausted yet hyped up by the speed laced mescaline. My body and mind begged for rest despite the electric current of speed flowing through my veins, causing my body to shiver all over robbing me of the sleep that would deliver me from my gathering thoughts of self-depreciation. I thrashed around on the bed and hit myself repeatedly on the forehead to stop the uncontrollable dialog running in my head. Why did I put up with that asshole cheating boyfriend! Consumed with embarrassment I raged at myself; why did I act like a crazy, lovesick moron when my crush didn’t show up at the party tonight? Why should anyone want you your own father disserted you. You’re a failure, stupid, ugly and an idiot! My mind was reeling with one hopeless thought after another. The drugs were making me crazy. I didn’t know what normal was anymore. My grades were a disaster. My heart ached with regret for betraying my family with lies and disobedience. Where do I go from here? I prayed to God to help me, but I knew in my heart that was a dead end like all the other times I prayed and got nothing. When I thought extract the torturous thoughts out of my head and capture them onto paper. I spread the messy stack out on my orange bedspread, read through the first couple sheets then came to this one: God release me from the fears of the night I’m tired of pain and of fright I am so very drained of emotion I want to cry but tears won’t come I think I’ve suffered more than some Enough to pay for the evil I’ve done Yeah, I thought to myself as I looked at the curly edged, half sheet of paper torn from a spiral notebook, that’s how I feel. My lungs deflated with the realization that I had written that a year earlier and nothing had changed. Tears filled my eyes in resignation and hopelessness. My body seemed to sink into the mattress, and I fell into a semi-conscious state. I felt a lightness come over me as if I was dissolving into nothingness and hoped that I was. I felt my hand reach for a pen and move over the paper on its own accord as if something was guiding it for me. Then my arm lifted the paper up to my face so I could see it. Through hooded glassy eyes I looked to the top of the page and there written in a childlike hand were scrawled the words, “Me too.” I sat up in a panic and looked around the room sensing the presence of another person. Ashamed of my angst and loneliness, I was embarrassed to think that someone had read my personal thoughts. Then I heard a voice in my mind say: "You have Hope. You always have Hope". "Hope is born out of nothing and nothing represents infinite possibility. Out of nothing anything can happen. When you have nothing, you have everything and that “everything” is Hope". As the words entered my brain a chain reaction was set in motion. It was as if my mind had been touched by a loving hand that blanketed me in peace and understanding. My mind went silent, and my body relaxed as I surrendered to the words of Hope. “Yes, I have Hope, I always have Hope”, I whispered to myself. I hadn’t known the true meaning of Hope until that moment. This message of hope resonated with me so deeply that I knew it was Truth and I became instantly transformed and relieved. It didn’t matter where the voice or the words came from, I knew unconditionally it was a complete knowing without a speck of doubt or question. I felt for the first time that I understood, and I was understood. I knew I was not alone. I had Hope and I had the one who delivered it to me. Nothing else mattered. A deep guttural sob emerged taking with it a great release of pressure followed by gentle crying. I was not crying out of sadness but out of tremendous relief. I had reached out for help in the darkness, and something answered. I held the dog-eared paper to my heart and drifted off to sleep as I listened to the base board radiators next to my bed fill with the trickling sound of rushing, hot water and felt the radiant heat surround me like a loving embrace. That was my first encounter with Pinky. Her message of hope led me to a drug free life, through college and into a successful career in advertising. However, I would not become aware of her or intentionally interact with her until my own son’s decent into drugs 32 years later