The Other F Word

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” - Catherine Ponder

Chapter 10: Addicted To Pain And Suffering
You may have experienced a newfound friend asking, “So what is your story?” You know they mean, “What is the main negative experience you have that is still running your life? What awful thing happened in your past that you continue to re-live repeatedly in your mind?” It could have to do with your parents. It could be about a lost love. It might be about something a stranger did to you. The fact is, we all have a story. It is constantly running in our subconscious, either close to the surface or hidden deep behind locked doors. Some repeat it over and over again, wearing out their loved ones with continuous bitterness and resentment. Others might push it deep down inside and never discuss it.
Our story is another way of saying “I am a victim.” In our story we are the loser; someone else did something to us that we did not like. In our story we were helpless to help ourselves; it’s a story of good versus evil, and we were the good character. When
122The Other F-Word
we relive our story for many years it lodges victim-thinking firmly into our subconscious. It is reinforcing inadequacy and helplessness in our minds. When we hear something this many times we believe it is true. We believe we are helpless, a loser, and so on. What we believe is how we live, how we create our experiences. Is this how you want to live, really?
All of the accounts in this book are meant to inspire you to move past your own blocks to the peace and happiness beyond. Have you ever imagined what your life would look like if you did not relate to your story? Can you imagine living in the present, not bringing your past hurts into this moment? It’s certainly worth your time to notice any resistance you have to these questions. This resistance may appear harmless, but it’s like a monster protecting and in charge of your resentful, revengeful feelings. This monster controls you with fear, making your subconscious feel that you would disappear into oblivion if you let go of the anger-hold you have on past wrongdoers.

Do you realize that when you are frustrated, angry or miserable, you create your own hell? It's true that too often, we simply don’t want to acknowledge and take responsibility for our experience in life, preferring to shift the blame for our funkiness to someone else. But here's the reality: by comparing your experience in the moment with that of some imaginary “perfect” moment, you disconnect yourself from appreciating all that this present moment holds for you, including humor, humility, empathy, acceptance, learning.... and even bliss.

Not only is your judgment of the situation making your life hellish, it robs you of the power from which you can do something to change the next moment. Think about this: when you want to make a change in your life, is it better to come from a negative or a positive context? If you want to change a bad habit, do you think that if you beat yourself up long and hard enough, you’ll finally make the change you’d like? Instead, would coming from a position of good humor and acceptance get you to your goal faster? Most will agree that it is a more pleasing experience to be nurtured than to be scolded. In other words, loving support is a position of power. Try it.