For the Sake of the Children

When are you going to tell him it’s over?” The year was 1996, and I had just seated myself on the exceptionally comfortable couch in my therapist’s office. It reminded me of my grandmother’s living room sofa—off white in color, well worn, soft, and completely enveloping. I needed something to comfort me whenever I found myself in Linda’s office. She was incredibly skilled in her chosen career as a medical psychologist and licensed professional counselor. I was accustomed to fooling my previous therapists; although admittedly, I had only worked with two others during my thirty-eight years of life. Linda, however, had an amazing ability to see right through my foolish games, and what was worse was that she called me out on my behavior—always in a very direct yet respectful manner. “What are you saying, Linda?” There I sat, literally being consumed by her sofa, sinking in ever so slowly, like quicksand tugging at my hips. I asked Linda for clarification, even though her words were crystal clear and had already traveled straight through my heart. How did she know? How could she have figured it out? I certainly hadn’t revealed my innermost feelings to her. Perhaps it was everything I hadn’t said during the weeks we had been working together that led her to reach this conclusion. “It’s clear to me you no longer believe your marriage can be saved. You have moved on. As far as you are concerned, it’s over, and that’s OK,” she replied. She was right. My marriage had been over for some time in my mind, yet I was simply unwilling to admit it to myself, to my therapist, and I was certainly not equipped to admit it to my husband, who was desperately trying to make our marriage work. Most importantly, I couldn’t bear the thought of what a divorce might do to our only child. He was by far my greatest accomplishment in life. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt Carwyn, and I knew all too well how much pain the divorce of your parents could bring. All I wanted was to ensure our only child would be spared the trauma my brother and I had endured when our parents separated and ultimately divorced. My mother and father couldn’t stay together, even for the sake of the children.