The Odd Guide to Happiness & Wellbeing

At certain points during one’s lifetime events happen to trigger a dramatic change in you. It is up to you to recognise these moments, rise to the challenge of personal transformation. Nobody is coming to save you, it is up to you to save yourself. In February 2016 I tried to take my own life and survived the attempt. It’s not something to be proud of so why admit to it? Why don’t I just keep quiet and hide in a room with other depressed people as was suggested to me. I’m writing this book in an attempt to prevent others from making the same mistake I did, I regret it immensely, I wish I’d never done it obviously. Just after I did it people who knew about it labeled me various things. I was informed I was selfish, told I was a coward and called disgusting. Looking back, these are reactions born of fear because in truth many have no idea what to say when confronted with that kind of information. It is far easier to judge a person negatively than think of ways to support, it is always far easier to judge than to think. I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was prescribed three types of medication to combat it. Anti depressants, anti-anxiety tablets & a mood stabiliser. I was permanently exhausted, I slept all the time and I couldn’t function. I had suffered from episodes of anxiety/depression for most of my life but after my suicide attempt in 2016, I plunged into a two year battle I couldn’t escape from. I couldn’t escape because the twin emotions of guilt and shame were in place in my psyche and wouldn’t budge no matter what I did. Shame and guilt I’d made the attempt in the first place and (perceived) shame and guilt placed on me by other people. People didn’t know how to react to me so they disappeared and told me phone the appropriate services. I became even more isolated than I had been at the point of making the attempt. I remained suicidal most days, which for two years is a very long time. Finally, out of sheer desperation in February 2018, I voluntarily admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital. It didn’t take long for me to realise, I’d made a huge mistake in doing so. I didn’t want to be there because I knew it wasn’t going to help me. What I realised during the course of that week, was that I wanted to fight. Fight to regain myself, fight to regain my smile, my laugh, my sense of humour & my creativity. The war I was raging was against my own mind. The war to defeat negativity had begun.