GET REAL

One thing consistently becomes self-evident to leaders; so crystal clear that most now acknowledge it as a universal truth – relationships matter. Evidence that supports this truth is everywhere. Massive bodies of research telling us that relationships matter coupled with personal experience leads everyone to agree that relationships can make or break performance, engagement, careers, and even your health. You can’t lead alone; by definition, you lead others. As a result, there may be nothing more important for leaders than having relationship- building skills. Prior to be being a leader, your performance is based on what you do, but post-promotion to leadership, your performance is based on the results you can drive through others, and those results and the quality of your relationship are inextricable. According to author and management consultant Margaret Wheatley, “In organizations, real power and energy is generated through relationships. The pattern of relationships and the capacity to form them are more important than tasks, functions, roles and positions.” Similarly, we are social creatures who have evolutionarily counted on long-term relationships for survival; relationships matter in our personal lives; we’ve all experienced good and not-so-good personal relationships at some point. We are wired for connection and instinctively know an unhealthy relationship when we see it (or more accurately when we feel it, but more on that later). People would rather endure emotional, mental, physical, and financial hardship than to stay in relationships that are broken; this is demonstrated by the number of marriages in the United States that end in divorce. But increasing volumes of research show that people are more likely to leave bad relationships when they have a social support system and good relationships with other people. In 1979, The Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues published a study by the University of California finding that patient satisfaction with medical care, treatment compliance, and outcomes were closely related to their doctors’ ability to meet their socioeconomic needs during appointments. Robin DiMatteo writes, This critical aspect of health care is termed “rapport.” While it is not yet clear exactly how rapport with patients can be achieved, evidence reviewed here suggests that a physician’s ability to establish rapport with patients is at least partially dependent upon his or her communication skills, especially the ability to decode and encode nonverbal messages of affect. In essence, bedside manners matter. There’s been evidence for decades that how you relate to other people matters in very tangible ways, but few really know how to do it well.13 Since then, countless books have been written on the topic of relationships and more specifically on the importance of relationships for success in all aspect of life, from leadership relationships to romantic relationships, and from networking with strangers to connecting more deeply with your children. Iconic works such as Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is perhaps the most well-known example; it was originally published in 1936 and has sold over 15 million copies. A close second, Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence, got the world thinking a bit differently about what kind of smarts it took to be successful.15 Patrick Lencioni’s work The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team addresses important elements at the team level of relationship dynamics, and more recently, Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability and shame sheds light on human connection in a way most people avoid thinking, let alone talking, about. What you see in the evolution of these writings is a shift from outward behaviors meant to influence others’ perception of you (Carnegie’s suggestions to use people’s names and smile, for example) to a more internal focus allowing for others to connect with you in more meaningful ways (Brown’s suggestion to deal with your own “stuff” to connect with others more fully). What sets this book apart is the hit-you-in-the-gut, intuitive nature of this work, which will leave you inspired and reevaluating your beliefs about what is possible to experience. You’ll be challenged to shift your paradigm about what it really takes to create deep, meaningful, fulfilling relationships whether you are leading at work, at home, or both. This book is not about how to manipulate or trick people into liking you; it’s about being intentional, about giving attention to the relationships you build with others because they are the most important thing you have, and they impact everything from your life span to your business results. This is not an instruction manual for how to be more outgoing or social; it is about how to create deep, meaningful, impactful connections between you and the people who matter to you. In the words of Michael Lee Stallard, author of Connection Culture, it’s important that people “develop social skills and relationship skills and recognize the difference between them.” This is a book about relationship skills. You’ll see flavors of the above-mentioned authors in the pages that follow, and to say that they were not influential in creating our REAL- ationships model would be disingenuous. As you read this book, think about what you are reading and how the concepts and behaviors show up in the relationships that you have or want to have. Most important, reflect on what role you are playing in creating the relationship dynamics that are constantly at work in your life. Yes, it takes two to tango, but nothing will change in your relationships until you do. Which of your relationships are most important to you? Which ones are critical to your success? Do the people you spend most of your time with matter the most, or are those who matter most not getting the intentional attention they should be getting from you? As you look to apply the things you learn, choose the most important people first, and watch what happens. This book will change the way you think about relationships, and people will notice that. They may not be able to put it in words, but they will feel it, so acknowledge it. As you will learn, acknowledgment is tremendously powerful in building high-performing relationships. As the old adage reminds us, people will forget the things you do, and people will forget the things you say, but people will never forget how you make them feel.