Journey From Grief

Our instantaneous reactions are just as important to consider when we are delivered shockingly unexpected news as when a life threatening crisis is unfolding around us. The furthest thing in our minds to consider is how we will respond upon hearing devastating news. Often we may have no memory of our immediate reaction or be conscious of or able to control of our own reactions. Others, who are trained to deliver and communicate disturbing and upsetting news to us, will be concerned for our safety and aware of what ranges our reactions may take during these times. More importantly, they will be concerned with our ability and keenness of self-preservation during the moments and days to follow after experiencing devastating loss. It took months for me to look back and to realize why everyone was so concerned for my safety that fateful day; so much so, a complete stranger offered to sit with me and accompany me to hospital. During this time, it was uncertain how I would react in my state of shock. After a devastating loss, one is never truly in command of their faculties. The word “react” by definition refers to an action we perform in response to an event or situation.

I started having severe vertigo symptoms and these continued and intensified. Determined to convince my body and mind that these symptoms were not happening and everything was fine and death was a part of life, I stood strong. I spoon fed myself the medicine that I simply needed to get with the program of life, my life. I was a strong and intelligent and simply needed to be in better control. My symptoms progressed and fear set in at a certain point, as the symptoms took on a life of their own.

When I saw, with the heaviest of finality my Finance’s name carved into granite, as his headstone was finished and installed. There was something less final, less weighty, with the temporary brass name plate and wood cross grave marker. His passing was dramatically final, now. All my emotions and dread were percolating. His passing and my mid-life crisis were crashing in on me, at once. Life was forcing me to face a massive difficulty and insisting on a re-examination of my life yet, at this time, I could not see the forest for the trees surrounding Grief.

My reality was my loved one had drowned in the ocean while we were on holiday. Two years later, I had traveled to the Temple of Poseidon and stood on the cliffs gazing across the blue waters. At that moment, standing there, I was caught up in a swirl of negativity and had trouble focusing on reasons to continue to live a life that would be riddled with more challenges and struggle. I completely had forgotten my intention to make peace with the gods of the ocean and move forward. Feeling so tired and drained from the last two years living in Grief, I just wanted to give up the struggle. I had not been prepared to even consider losing him in such a way and felt I simply did not have the strength or desire to take any more direct hits life had to hand out after his passing. Life only seemed more difficult and lonely. If I were to live out my life, I was not up for anymore heartache and hardship. Besides, who else but me could really say enough is enough. His death had taken the fight and will right out of my veins. Really, what was the point in all these trials and tribulations we endure throughout our lives, I thought to myself? Why did anyone have to endure such heartache and loss? Where was God in these times and what was all this human suffering and my suffering for anyway?

Why suffer any longer? I thought if only I could take my ticket for this life back to the sales window and tell them I no longer wanted to continue this trip. This was a ride I had not intentionally signed on and these details unfolding in my life were not fair or satisfactory. I was certain it all needed to stop and start over with a different outcome, immediately. As I stood there on the cliff edge, the winds picked up speed after the sun had set and I really wanted to put an end to all my heartache and suffering, as the rains came. I did not want to continue and make the best of the circumstances which I had been given by life. I was shattered and did not have the energy to muster a happy face and continue any longer. What was the point? I had lived a good life and had seen so much more than most people living the same number of years. I wanted to join him on the other side. What was “over there”? Whatever it was, it had to be better than here, didn’t it? As darkness fell over the sea, it also fell over me. Absolutely nothing in life was guaranteed. I considered my options.