Slow Train

TEARS
Tears will come even if you are not generally a tearful or emotional person. You won’t plan it. They may come when you least expect it, but they will come, lots of them, and possibly often.
I cried just looking at my food and not having the energy to lift my fork.
I cried when walking the eight paces, from the kitchen to my recycling bin, seemed overwhelming.
I cried when I ‘crashed’ every time I came off steroids.
I cried when at 9.30 a.m. (that’s morning!!) I knew my day was over (energy-wise) and yet it hadn’t even begun.
I cried in the shower, my tears falling in harmony with the water, just because I’d made it to the end of another day.
I cried when everything seemed too much for me to handle.
I cried when I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself.
I cried when I watched my daughter coming out of school chatting to friends. I cried tears of begging that I would be around to share more of her growing up and be the one to hold her hand and mother her into adulthood.
I cried when my wig felt hot and tight.
I cried when even with pain relief I couldn’t handle the pain.
I cried when the journey seemed endless at times.
I cried with joy when people ‘got it’ and knew how to handle me and help me in the way I needed.
I cried from relief when I fell into bed.
I cried when I missed sharing important events in my son’s life.
I cried when my life felt like the life of a very old person.
I cried when I tried to keep up and failed miserably.
I cried silently in my heart many times and no tears fell at all.
I cried when my blood test results didn’t portray my mammoth effort at wellness.
I cried when getting a simple meal on the table for my family felt like running two marathons.
A lot of the time I had no idea why I was crying, I just was.
Tears came. They didn’t always last long but I let them come for as long as they needed to. It brought me relief just to let go. It felt human. I knew that when I cried I was in my heart, as opposed to my head, and this was the perfect place to start healing.