I Just Want My Old Daddy Back

At the moment this book may seem a little different from a lot of others. Most books I have read on people “getting over things,” from destitute to victorious, or from rags to riches had a beginning and an end with seemingly no real struggles in between. I found out the hard way what can happen in the in-between times, and sometimes those happenings were over, and over again!

This book is about my own trials and tribulations of trying to keep my family together no matter what. Some of these events kept reoccurring throughout our lives—hence the repetitions.

Please bear in mind that quite a bit of the book is excerpts of my thoughts throughout my life, which I had kept as writings: the pure thoughts about certain situations I found myself in, some occurrences that I created myself, my own feelings on these events, and my own opinions on the injustices of them. I sometimes had to rant and rave to myself on paper, hoping to get my thoughts into some kind of order, instead of going around and round in my head—or better still, get them out of my head once and for all. There were times when I felt I had no one else to turn to. I seemed to be thinking differently than everyone around me. I realized I had to keep following my own gut instincts many, many times and hope that that would keep me on the right path for my family.

That’s why it was so very confusing for me. I had usually been the peacekeeper, going with the flow and trying not to stand out or cause trouble for anyone … until it concerned and affected my own family. Then I found the strength in me to fight for what was so precious to me. My family meant everything to me.
I thought perhaps this book could be a way of an apology to my own children, in case I hadn’t managed to do right by them individually throughout their lives. I don’t blame them for getting upset with me sometimes that I don’t remember a lot of our lives together, even the good bits. All I’ve come up with to hopefully explain some of that is that I must have been so consumed with the hurt of my family being torn apart and the injustices from the outside that I had to close myself off to some things in order to be able to cope and survive. A lot of the time, I think my body was on automatic pilot, like I was in a zombie state.

Also, I am so very sorry that I wasn’t with you at important times of your lives, and that I have missed so much. I would have loved to have been able to be there at all of them in person, instead of just in spirit … although I seemed to find out about a lot of them after they had occurred. That’s sad too, and I kept beating myself up about that. However, I remembered that when you were all little and had spats between you, I would interfere, and that would make it worse because I felt like I was taking sides, which wasn’t fair to anybody. Instead, I decided to tell you I wasn’t going to take sides, and you had to go away and work it out for yourselves! I’m not sure now whether I did the right thing, and I can’t change the past.
I’d like to take this opportunity to say how very proud I am of all of you, despite or in spite of all that you had to go through with everyone and everything. No words can ever express how I feel about you all—and you know how much I can talk!—for your huge achievements, being such great parents, and most of all for the beautiful human beings you have become. You have made a huge difference in the lives of every single person you have had in your lives, with your huge, kind, loving hearts; your selfless attitudes; and your empathy for everything.