Dying, Grief, and the Other Side

Transitioning to Myself A friend once advised, “It’s not what you do in life, it’s what legacy you leave that helps mankind.” This simple statement has stayed with me and helped guide me as I learned and grew through my fears. What you are reading now is my legacy. I want to share with you what I have learned about death and my wish is that this information will help you in your time of need. Central to us all, but so often seen as taboo or difficult to discuss, knowledge of death and dying can actually help us all to live more freely, to live more enlivened lives. My question to you, and to all mankind is: Are you afraid to die? And if you are, I want to urge you, please don’t be! I have walked this path and I have seen death up close and personal; there are things I know about death that can help erase that fear. It is my wish that the stories I share with you here will deepen your knowledge and broaden your horizons. That they will provide you with the information you need to help you make decisions that comfort rather than unsettle you when facing your own mortality or that of a loved one. ... In addition to church life accentuating my social differences, I sometimes found that religion either could not, or would not, satisfactorily answer my deeper philosophical questions. I asked my priest things like, “What happens to you when you die?” And, “Where do you go when you die?” And he answered, rather more cryptically than I had hoped, “God’s House Has Many Mansions.” I didn’t understand this and sought further clarification. I asked, “Do you mean when I die I go to a place in heaven just like home? What does heaven look like? Do I have the same sort of house? Do I stay in heaven forever? Do I have my sister, Mum and Dad with me?” He just smiled and walked away. I got the feeling that he simply didn’t know the answer and wished that the pesky young girl (me) would go away. It seemed that I was often searching for explanations and answers that others seemed happy to take on faith. As situations like this continued my enquiring mind remained and I had the unsatisfied feeling that something was missing from what I had learned about life. As I grew older I felt compelled to move away from the church and I’m glad that I kicked over the traces and was not left wondering. I learned much about life. I changed and I grew. I followed my love of all things scientific, specifically anatomy and physiology and ended up leaving school to become a dental nurse. Although my enthusiasm for religion definitely faded, I never fully lost my love and belief that somewhere, somehow, there was God, and there was Jesus. The biggest hope I have for all who are facing death or nursing someone who is, is that they come to a place of peace and acceptance around the situation and that they are able to remove their fear of death and the dying process. And if you wish to be cared for at home, or you want to care for a palliative loved one at home, the aim of this book is to provide you with the necessary information to make sound decisions, no matter where you are down this pathway. I will also share some research and experiences from leading scientists to shed light, hope, and understanding of what may be on ‘the other side.’ ... The Funeral Industry As I said in the introduction to this book, I spent much of my early life petrified of death. So where did destiny place me? Yes, working in a funeral business! My first job in the funeral industry was to conduct interviews. As families grieved over the loss of their loved ones; young and old, some dying from natural causes, some from the most tragic, my fear of death threw me into a challenging spin. During the interviews people naturally got very upset and in the beginning I would find myself crying along with the family members. I kept wondering how I would ever become more professional and wondered endlessly about whether this job was for me. Gratefully, I was working with my sister and brother-in-law in their funeral business and they gently assured me that I would come to terms with death and be able to cope in the position. And they were right. ... Dying at home Once a person has been told that they are terminally ill and there is nothing more that doctors can do to help them, many choose to cease all treatment. From my own personal experience, that of my mentors and peers, and what I have read, it would appear that around 78% of people wish to die at home. Of that 78%, I would estimate that a maximum of 17% of these people get their wish. Centuries ago, crossing all cultures, everyone died at home. Then, as medical practices became more widespread, people faced their deaths in hospitals. Then hospices came along, followed by palliative care, and now trend seems to have come back to people wanting to make their final transition at home, with help from palliative care if possible. ... Volunteering Being a volunteer, helping people in any area of service, is a profound and amazing gift of love. Over many years of being a volunteer I have learned that truth and love unite us all as one. In the final stages of a dying person’s life, they have more often than not been living in the duality of two worlds; their current, physical reality and the next world into which they are about to enter. They will have experienced the love and oneness of God or the creative force, and are also humbly aware of the truth and love of the people supporting them in the physical world.