Eating by Faith: A Walk With God. My Eating Disorder From The Inside Out

Introduction: Inside Out If you are suffering from an eating disorder, you probably find yourself thinking, “No one can possibly understand the internal dialogue that runs like a raging river through my head every day.” Or maybe you have a loved one with an eating disorder, and you wonder what keeps him or her entrenched in behaviors that are not only bizarre, and painful, but also potentially deadly. It is a lonely, painful place to reside, and it is lonely and painful to watch. I am not an expert on eating disorders, but I am an expert on my eating disorder. And although the illness looks somewhat different for each of us, we all share a commonality of symptoms. I began to write about my journey four years ago to help me make sense of my disease process and myself. It is a disease. It isnʼt something that I chose. It chose me, like cancer, ALS or Parkinsonʼs chooses some people, but not others. In the “Tyranny of Face Validity,” a lecture on the myths of eating disorders, Cynthia Bulik reports that the most damaging myth patients have to deal with is that anorexia is a choice. “People make an association between the cultural ʻthinʼ ideal and what they believe to be anorexia nervosa.” Bulik says. “The minute they go on that first diet, their anomalous biology kicks in and anorexia just sends them down a path that they have no control over. So eating disorders are an illness, not a choice.” Even after almost 20 years of therapy and recovery, I donʼt think I realized this. Had I understood that—just by flirting with it—my abnormal biology would kick back in and I would once again have no control over my eating disorder, I like to think I wouldʼve made a wiser decision. But anorexia and bulimia are very 3 deceptive and sneaky. Even if I had the knowledge, my eating disorder may have enticed me back down its path, and eventually, into the black hole where I found myself. This is also where my story relates to my faith, my truth and my relationship with Christ. Had I listened to His promises to work all things together for the good and that He would never forsake me, had I truly trusted Him and whom I am in Him— instead of listening to Satanʼs lies about me and my Lord Jesus Christ—I never would have strayed off Godʼs path. I was tugged at and pulled on like a dog toy in a game of tug-o-war. Trust God, or trust the eating disorder? In my case, the pull of the eating disorder became stronger and stronger, its powerful jaws tugging, pulling and eventually shaking me out of Godʼs hands. Be clear that He never has forsaken me; I chose to turn away from him, to take my life in my own hands. Dr. Caroline Leaf reminds us, “You are free to choose...but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.” My consequence for stepping outside of Godʼs will was a full-blown relapse into my eating disorder. As you read my words, remember that I didnʼt choose the illness. But the process of recovery is a series of choices that means having to do what is often one of the most difficult things for those of us with eating disorders and that is to trust— trust our doctors, therapists, nutritionists and, most of all (for myself), God. I find that if I pray for my “team” to be Godʼs hands and feet and have wisdom, trusting my “team” becomes a little easier each day. As I shared my writing with friends, family and colleagues, I found that people had profound reactions to my story. Mothers and fathers came to me with tears in their eyes saying, “I finally understand what my loved one goes through daily as she or he fights this beast of an illness.” Others that are in the throes of suffering tell me, “Your transparency and honest account of your struggle leads me to 4 believe that I am not a hopeless, pitiful human being, but a being with an illness that, at times, I can manage, yet at other times, it feels out of control.” After reading my words, those watching loved ones in their suffering seem to reflect that they are no longer watching the process from the outside, but from the inside out of their loved oneʼs body, mind and spirit. Those suffering tend to agree that through my words, others can catch a glimpse of what goes on from the inside out. You see, eating disorders manifest on the outside for the entire world to see, but take root inside a secret place that is rarely revealed. This root is often anchored in lies we come to believe about ourselves, and I believe that once established, Satan will use the eating disorder to cause us to self-destruct; hence making his job of robbing us of our joy and identity in Christ effortless. It is this secret place that I have chosen to reveal for all to see. It is my hope that those who suffer from an eating disorder will find that their thoughts, fears, rituals and disordered thinking are normal symptoms of a true diagnosable illness. I hope that they will not feel alone as they walk through what is a very lonely, isolating illness. I hope that loved ones will understand that what we crave more than anything else is security in who we are and unconditional love, but it is also what we fear the most because somewhere along this journey we call life, we have come to believe that we are damaged goods, that we arenʼt loveable, and we retreat into our own secret world. We fade away or stuff our feelings down or flush them away, all of which keeps us numb and from feeling alive and real. Why we believe this is different for each one of us, but I believe this is the core of my disorder. I found my identity in the eating disorder instead of who God created me to be. I turned back to the eating disorder instead of God. It is hard to let go of this and just be real, because being real hurts at times, so we become small, frail, 5 unapproachable and lifeless. We keep ourselves from becoming real by becoming our disease. It somehow feels safer. “What is real?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nan came in to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside of you and a stick out handle?” “Real isnʼt how you were made,” said the Skin Horse. “Itʼs a thing that happens to you. When a child (or anyone) loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you then you become real.” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are real you donʼt mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesnʼt happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. Thatʼs why it doesnʼt happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things donʼt matter at all, because once you are Real you canʼt be ugly, except to people who donʼt understand.” —Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit My hope is that this book creates people who understand eating disorders from the inside out. Then we who have been there can be real because you now understand. We canʼt be ugly, but we can just be. And as you will see, at times it gets ugly. I curse at God, I curse at myself. Hell, I just plain old curse. Does He like it? Probably not, but He loves me 6 unconditionally. I can be real, and that, my friends, is freedom to love and be loved. I hope that because my writing is honest, at times raw, and my language far from holy, you will see a real person who loves the Lord with all her heart and soul. This is what God asks of me, of you. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; love your neighbor as yourself. —Luke 10:27 (NIV)