Sarah Starts Living

Sarah rubs her face with her hands and inhales deeply, surprised that she hasn’t died of a broken heart during the night. She rises, throws on her pink terry-cloth robe and makes her way to the coffee pot, which stands as an empty reminder that Jeff is gone. Last night she didn’t really want him to go, but now she feels too embarrassed to face him. Why doesn’t he love me anymore? What did I do? She squeezes the small roll of fat around her middle. She knows she should have kept up with those yoga classes. But surely, Jeff wouldn’t leave her because she gained a few pounds, or, would he? Sarah adds a sugar cube to her cup and carries her coffee out to the sun porch, Click close on her heels. She settles in the padded, wicker rocker and he flops down at her feet. It is chilly out there in September, but the sun’s rays feel warm, and even though it doesn’t seem to make her heart feel any better, she knows she shouldn’t shut herself up in the dark. The phone buzzes with a text from Des offering to pick her up at nine fifteen. Sarah groans. She loves these brief shopping jaunts in the city, but there is no way that can happen today. She quickly texts back that she is sorry she can’t make it after all, but that she will talk to her later. Des must accept it, because the phone remains silent after that. Sarah wonders what she should do, and for the first time in her adult life she feels truly lost. There has always been an unwritten timeline before; go to college, get married, have children and then raise them. The last part, after she raises her children, suddenly seems like a huge oversight, although she imagines that it ends with selling the house and retiring to someplace warm. She gazes down at the steam rising up from her coffee, smelling its rich aroma and feeling the warmth on her chin. Suddenly she is overcome with the feeling that everything is going to be okay. So peaceful, loving and fleeting, that as soon as she acknowledges how wonderful it feels, it is gone. Sarah tries to get the feeling back. She closes her eyes and notices her mind frantically searching for that peaceful place, but the moment is gone, leaving Sarah feeling bereft. She wonders if that feeling was God. She hasn’t thought about God for a while now, and ponders whether or not he really exists. After all, if God drew her and Jeff together, then what kind of sick joke is this turn of events? What kind of God would do this to her, or to Bethany? She really needs to call Bethany, but maybe it is too soon? Maybe after a few days, Jeff will come to his senses and none of this will matter. Sarah isn’t sure if she believes this, but she definitely likes the way it sounds.