Addicted to My Ego

I have a problem. As a physician I’ve come to realize it’s a disease, but it’s not classified as a disease by the medical profession like an infection or diabetes. Although it is passed down from generation to generation, gene therapy will never produce a cure. If I had to classify my problem I would say it’s an addiction, but not to alcohol, narcotics, sex, gambling, or food. My problem is that I’m addicted to my ego. This issue not only plays a role in the cause and recovery of all addictions, I believe it qualifies as our primary addiction. You’re probably thinking that of course he’s addicted to his ego, he’s a doctor and they all are. I generally agree, but most of my career has been spent in business. However, much of my business career has been spent as an entrepreneur and CEO so again, a big ego goes hand in hand with those roles. Regardless, a discussion about the size of my ego is entirely unnecessary. This addiction affects everyone with an ego irrespective of its size, although a bigger ego may result in a bigger addiction. By now I hope you’re asking, what is ego anyway? The simplest way to think about ego is how you tend to define yourself, since most of us are ego-identified. If someone wants to get to know a little about you it is common to introduce yourself by telling them your name. That may impart some information about your nationality or religion. Depending on the circumstance you may tell them about the various roles you play in life. You may say you’re married with two kids and you work as a consultant. As you reveal yourself further you may discuss your beliefs in terms of what’s important to you in life, the principles you stand for and the changes you would like to see in the world and maybe even in yourself. Although your ego develops and changes over your entire lifetime, most of the fundamental beliefs that you hold about yourself were firmly entrenched at a very young age. Your fundamental beliefs about yourself and your roles in life compose the core of your ego. At some time in your life you may have even said, “I am my beliefs.” Most people self-define in that way because when it comes to themselves that is all they are aware of. How could they define themselves any differently? The problem is that this is absolutely false. That’s not what we are even though many of us think that’s what we are. Given what I’ve experienced and learned during my sixty-five years, I am convinced I am living a lie whenever I think that way. I am not my ego. But I am addicted to it so strongly that I have been unable to see past it without it blinding me to the truth. I don’t want to live this way anymore. Sometimes I think I would be better off if I was an alcoholic on the verge of death. With that type of addiction there is greater motivation to move past one’s egoic issues. It is a matter of life and death. Almost all of us are addicted to our egos, but the common myth is that with a few tweaks we can fix ourselves and we will be happy, healthy and have abundance. I used to believe that. I have come to realize that I was as deluded as the alcoholic that thinks they can manage to have just one drink. I’ve had periods in my lifetime when I was happy and healthy with plenty of money in the bank. That’s not the answer, although people often strive for that situation believing it is. Sure, money doesn’t buy poverty, but it doesn’t buy happiness either. Happiness is fleeting depending upon the temporary agreement between one’s expectations and one’s reality and health, both of which can change in an instant. We judge our lives through the lens of our ego, but no matter how much we polish that lens, in the depths of our egoic psyche we will never be good enough or be worthy of love, because that is what the ego truly believes. Never being good enough or worthy of love fuels our addiction. That lie is the trap that keeps us striving for our brand of heroin, which is whatever it is we believe will make us good enough or worthy of love. That drives the hamster’s wheel of our egoic addiction. I understand my ego fairly well after decades of self-work. Furthermore I have remodeled and tweaked it towards egoic perfection, if there is such a thing. That path has left me at a dead end as far as realizing my goal, which is experiencing what I truly am. As I’ve moved, closer to that goal, I have come to recognize that I cannot discard my ego. We need our ego in life. However, its limiting beliefs restrict our conscious awareness. The key lies in accepting one’s ego without limiting one’s awareness so that we can perceive the truth about what we are. This is quite achievable and the rewards are innumerable. We can not only perceive the truth about what we are, we can learn to live that way.