Born Wise

Your little child understands what you say.
I have no doubt that children, from the moment they are born, understand what we say. In my job as a family health nurse I have had many experiences with new families that have convinced me that children understand right from the outset. It is often evident, that there is such a close connection between the feelings of mother and child that the child reacts to the mother’s feelings. The same goes for the words that she says.

The Newborn is Listening
The child, who was only a few weeks old, was crying, and the mother was upset because she couldn’t figure out the reason. So we talked about how the birth had gone and how the pregnancy had been. Looking at the child while we were talking, I saw an observant and responsive child. The child stopped crying and whimpering, and instead she became quiet and started to listen. It turned out that the birth had not lived up to expectations, so we talked our way through it. The mother told me about the circumstances surrounding the birth about which she was unhappy. In the meantime, the child was in her mother’s arms listening. When the mother spoke about the circumstances that had hurt her emotionally, and which had been burdensome to her, the child cried. And when we were done talking about what had weighed the mother down, I noticed that the child had fallen asleep. During a follow-up conversation with the mother about the situation, she told me that the child had become calmer and didn’t cry miserably anymore.

I speak to children with the full conviction that they understand what I say. I have always done that.
In my work as a family health nurse I often experience parents who respond on behalf of their children. One day, when I was with a mother who answered on behalf of her child, I smiled at her and said: “You don't need to answer.” She smiled back at me and said that she had to get used to the thought that children understand - and that they answer without words.
Respect and Love
We know that children react to moods and gestures. But the fact that they also react to words, is still a new concept to many people. As mentioned above, I have no doubt that children understand our words, even though they don’t yet have a verbal language. It is important that you speak with respect and love, both when speaking about your child and when speaking to your child. Infants constantly soak up impressions. They virtually have nothing else to do, other than listening and imitating, when they are that little. That becomes obvious when they get older, and start to do as their parents and siblings do.
Your Wise and Responsible Child
The most important knowledge I can pass on to all families with young children is that right from infancy the
child understands what is being said. Speak WITH your child. He or she understands what you say. I have many examples from visits with families, where the mother tells me that her child is very upset and cries a lot. When she later in the conversation talks about something that she is upset about herself, such as relationship problems, I have noticed the baby being very observant and attentive. After the mother has unburdened herself, the child often looks very serene and satisfied. The child calms down, and subsequently I am often told that the child’s sadness and crying has ceased.

If you are sad yourself and your child is crying, you can say: “I can hear that you are sad, Michael. Mom/dad is also sad today. But it certainly isn’t your fault that mom/dad is sad.”

The Child Cried Her Mother's Tears
I was once in a home where the 2-year-old child was standing behind her mother. She screamed and screamed. The mother just sat there, sad and closed off. This mother was conscious of roles and behavior. Suddenly it dawned on her what was happening. And she said “my child is crying my tears; I am simply not feeling well. I am just so sad because…” and then she brought the child up to her, and told her why she was sad. The child listened attentively. Once she had listened and understood her mother’s message, she jumped down from the lap and went to another place in the living room to play, satisfied and at ease.

If children cry and their parents can’t figure out the reason, it may be that they are crying their father’s or mother’s tears. That is what children do when parents restrain themselves and keep things inside. The tears must be let out, and if the parents can’t do it themselves, their children do it instead. It hurts; because it is hard to bear if you are sad, and your child is also crying. And you really shouldn’t bear it. If you are so upset that your child is crying your tears, it is time to take action. The child’s message to you is: “Speak with someone. If you are upset about your life, mom or dad, then change it. It is important to me that you are happy. It gives me happiness and comfort.”

If you are sad, your child will sense it. Children are excellent at taking responsibility, and will often feel guilty about mom or dad being sad. This is why it is important to remove the guilt and responsibility from the children’s shoulders by telling them that it isn’t their fault. This is another instance where I see a wise and responsible child. This is innate. Children sense things, they lift us, they give us strength, and they really want to have happy parents. When we are not happy, they take on our sadness and cry for us. Or they may (when they are a little older) come up to us with an encouraging smile and hug us and tell us with their body, “Don’t be sad.”