From Charm to Harm:

Emotional Abuse Tactics: Ambiguous Intent – The intention that underlies many hidden emotional abuse tactics and a particularly effective way to destabilize a partner. Ambiguous intent involves the use of deception, contradiction, inconsistencies between words and behavior, and conflicting verbal and non-verbal language. Those with ambiguous intentions appear to love and nurture their partners, but their actual intent is to create self-doubt and confusion for better control. Word variations: ambiguous intents, ambiguous intentions Example: When out with friends, Judd tells a story about Marla that knocks her intelligence and embarrasses her. He calls her a “dumbo.” After returning home, Marla complains to Judd that his actions were way out of line. Judd gives the impression that he is trying to have a meaningful conversation to resolve the issue, but he hides his intent, which is to plant guilt and self-doubt in her mind. He puts his arm around her and says, “Don’t you realize that I was just kidding? You know I love you more than anyone in the world. I would never want to hurt you.” In an effort to understand him, she asks him to explain why he made her the butt of a joke, but he blocks her objections with the claim that she doesn’t listen to him. She finds it difficult to react because his words don’t fit his actions, and there’s no clarity in what he says. Marla isn’t sure whether or not she overreacted to Judd’s comments. The more she tries to comprehend his actions, the more he confuses her with platitudes, denial, and blame. In the end, she is overcome with despair, and the original issue is left unresolved. Tin Ear – A voluntary disorder that turns abusers’ ears into a cold, metallic surface when their partners need to have meaningful discussions with them Word variation: tin ears Example: Kate is desperate to talk with David about how unhappy she is in their marriage. He never reveals personal information and doesn’t ask about her. She doesn’t know how his work is going, or what’s happening in his life. He has no clue about her needs, feelings, and daily activities. When they transact household or parental business, he is curt to her, as if she is a nuisance to him. He avoids her when they are in the house together, and he sleeps in the guestroom. When Kate attempts casual conversation, he cocks his head and raises his hand as if to say, “Don’t bother me,” or he takes the opportunity to denounce her for her alleged shortcomings. Sometimes, David pretends to listen to Kate, but he distracts her while she’s talking by focusing on other activities. She feels emotionally drained at the end of their “discussion.” Kate has repeatedly urged David to sit down with her to examine their relationship, but he trots out the same verbal barricade. “It’s not a good time to talk.” Kate is preoccupied with finding the precise moment when David might be open to productive discussion. Meanwhile, she is anxious and depressed because she is married to a man who won’t hear her. Emotional Abuse Effects and Contributors: Fictional Thinking – To create fiction about oneself, a partner, or a relationship and see the fiction as truth. Fictional thinkers bury the facts with their stories and believe what they want to believe. When friends or family members see the truth and try to expose it, fictional thinkers stick with their stories or craft more stories to refute the evidence. In many cases, fictional thinking is what draws a person into an abusive relationship. Fictional thinkers become truthful thinkers when they muster the courage to accept painful realities. Word variation: fictional thinker, fictional thoughts Example: Alicia and Chase have been together for three years, even though he cheats on her, lies to her, and complains about her weight, choices, and opinions. At times, he buys her expensive gifts, helps her pay her credit card debt, and takes her on extravagant vacations to foreign countries. Alicia believes that Chase is her soul mate and that one day, they will marry and he will transform into a dependable, kind, and loving partner. Alicia’s girlfriends warn her about Chase, but she tells them that they don’t know him like she does and haven’t seen his better qualities. Alicia doesn’t tell her girlfriends that she secretly blames herself for their problems and considers herself lucky that a wealthy, debonair, and attractive man like Chase is with her. She endures the emotional pain he inflicts on her and waits for the day he will change. Muddled – Bafflement over whether or not a mate’s criticism is meant to be helpful or hurtful. Word variations: muddle, muddles, muddling Example: Tricia’s head is swimming. She can’t figure out if Corey’s frequent disapproval of her lifestyle choices is meant to control her, or offered as constructive criticism. When they’re together, Corey makes random comments depending on their activity: “I want you to have a hard body, so you should go to the gym every day. Don’t eat potato chips with your sandwich; they’re not healthy. You need to improve your make-up. Stop smacking your food. You shouldn’t be wearing flip–flops. You’re letting yourself go; is that what happens in relationships?” Sometimes Corey compliments Tricia. He tells her that she’s smart, beautiful, and has a lot of heart. His push-pull treatment confuses her. She acknowledges that she has room for improvement, but his faultfinding makes her feel dejected, unattractive, and unmotivated. “You say you’re trying to help me, but if you don’t like so many things about me, why are you with me?” Tricia asks Corey. He responds, “I just want you to make better choices for your own good.” Corey’s statement does nothing to clarify Tricia’s bewilderment. Do his judgments mean that if she doesn’t live up to his expectations, he won’t love her anymore? Or, if she manages to fulfill all his requirements, will he accept her and love the new and improved version of her? To keep his love, will she have to continue to submit to his rulings? When does it all end? Tricia doesn’t realize that Corey’s reproach won’t end until he sees and accepts that it is a result of his discontent with himself. He feels she is a reflection of him, and his feelings of personal inadequacy drive his need to be perfect. Rather than face his own shortcomings, he criticizes her.