Inspirational Parenting

Forgiveness
Forgiveness is freedom. I believe it is important to address it at the beginning of this book. It lets go of the old and welcomes the new. Forgiveness never leaves us where it has found us and it is a vital part of parenting.
I can’t count the number of teenagers who have sat in my office in tears because they needed their parents’ forgiveness for something they had done. They explain, “I don’t know how to move forward when my parents keep bringing up the past. I hate it that I hurt them, I cry at night when no one knows I’m crying. I would give anything to do that night over again.” “I don’t know what to do. When I look at my mom I feel so sad. When I wake up in the morning I think, ‘please don’t be sad today’. I want more than anything for my parents to be proud of me. I just want them to understand that I’m really sorry.”
I was once asked by a mother, “Just how many times am I supposed to forgive my son?” I told her, “Always.” Out of hundreds of teens I have worked with, I can’t remember one child who was not sorry for hurting their parents for whatever reason. Most are willing to work very hard to regain that trust.
If you think about your teenagers and what they are trying to figure out right now, it makes it a bit easier to embrace forgiveness. We tell them to “grow up and be responsible” yet we also tell them that they are still children and they “will listen to what I have to say.”
In my life, I have been hit hard with lessons of forgiveness. One of the dearest children I have ever had the joy of knowing was assaulted by an adult when she was nine. At night I cried until my eyes ached so badly I could not open them. This experience taught me very strong, valuable, and inspiring lessons. I hold on to these as my gifts from divine grace and I now refuse to allow the actions of others to take over my life. While this was an extreme situation, forgiveness, even in less complicated forms, is difficult work to do. But when it comes to raising our children we have no choice.
This is what I have learned about forgiveness: I am always in control of myself, my reactions, my words and thoughts, the mood I awake in each morning and the way I live each day. It is powerful to know we are always the ones making our decisions, not others or their actions. Forgiveness allows us to be in the present moment and to make fair and honest decisions.
When our teenagers make mistakes it is certainly necessary to have a discussion; however, make it a learning discussion. Instead of saying, “You are grounded for the next ten years. I told you to be home by ten, and it is midnight now. I can’t believe how irresponsible you are. I am so disappointed in you,” ask yourself “What is the real truth here?” Use this situation to talk about your true feelings: “I was so scared when you didn’t come home. I had no idea where you were or if you needed my help. I was sure something had happened to you. I love you so much and I was really worried.” Sharing your truth allows your child to understand that their decisions affect not only them but you as well. Anger was not the real cause of your reaction, fear was. Teenagers I have worked with are usually very sorry to know that they have caused their parents any type of pain.
It is helpful to remember how you feel when you make a mistake. When I do something that upsets someone I care about, I know I want it to go away as quickly as possible. I don’t want those around me reminding me of a mistake I made last month. I am certain I have done many wonderful things within the last month and I would love to hear about them. Our children are no different. If we take the time to look, we can find a lot of great and small things to praise our kids for. In order to go forward and be successful we cannot drag our past with us. It simply gets too heavy and we eventually stop moving. Our children are the same.
I once had a mother and daughter come to my office. They were living in the same house but not speaking to each other. The daughter was sixteen and had made some bad choices. She had stayed out all night, used drugs, missed countless days of school and her attitude during this time was less than attractive. She had called her mother horrible names and threatened to run away if she tried to “interfere.” These events took place over a period of three months, during which time the daughter actually did run away. When she was ready to come home and start over, she didn’t know how. The lessons she learned were painful. She was behind in school and had lost many of her friends. She felt ashamed and was sorry. She wanted and needed forgiveness so she could move forward.
As difficult as her pain was, her mother’s was just as hard. “How can I ever trust her again? I know I can’t live through that again, I just can’t,” she cried, tears streaming down her face. As a mother I felt her pain. But as someone who has worked with teens on a daily basis, I knew both she and her daughter needed a way out. I asked them to each make a list of the qualities they admired in each other and return to my office the next day. They were not to share their lists with each other until they were sitting in front of me, which wouldn’t be hard because they were not speaking to each other.
The rule for our meeting the next day was, “We acknowledge there is a lot of pain, but we are willing to take a break, just for today.” I asked them to read their lists, beginning with the daughter. She had over twenty lines of qualities she loved about her mother. Her mother also had a full list. I asked each of them to explain every quality in detail. It was a great day in my office. Tears ran like water and hearts opened, inviting forgiveness and setting the stage for new beginnings. They had to move from the mistakes to the healing. I wanted them to remember what it felt like to enjoy each other. The daughter opened up to the help she needed and her mother hung the list of qualities her daughter had written on her mirror, so she could see them every day. We worked from a place of joy, which allowed movement within a relationship that appeared frozen.
Teenagers are so amazing; they can have the worst day of their life on Thursday, and the best day on Friday. Perhaps there is a lesson in there for us all.
Forgiveness is a necessary quality to have when raising children. It blesses everyone, especially you!
Three Helpful Tools
1. Our teenagers need us, especially when they have made a mistake. Reach out in a way that lets them know you are still there. Go to dinner together and talk about good times you have shared. Write them a letter telling them you love them and miss them. Leave work early and surprise them. There is an exercise I do that kids and parents love. Each of you write down what it is you are trying to forgive, say good bye to it, then toss it in the fireplace or throw it away. Once I got really creative and I had everyone write their thoughts down and stick them inside balloons and let them go. They watched their unhappy feelings float away. It was wonderful!
2. Take a few minutes to remember what it was like to be a teenager. The connection you will experience will be most helpful. Share it with your teen if it feels right to do so.
3. Sit quietly and remind yourself that each day is a new day as a parent and you are doing the best job you know how to do. Gather new energy; be excited you are learning. Praise is wonderful… for everyone!