The Tetrad Eyes

Everything starts at your beingness, the foundation of who you are. The ground of which everything else stands on. For example I just want to be alone, or come and be with me, or I don’t want to be alone. I think I will start with that. I don’t want to be alone. This was something I needed to learn. There is a difference between being afraid of being alone and choosing to take time and be by yourself. I know everyone does not want to be alone. Nobody does. I don’t either but the difference was that I avoided being alone at all costs. I was afraid. And when I began to ask questions and challenge my partners perception things started to change. I started to change I no longer accepted his truth as mine. I began to feel more and more uncomfortable in the relationship. However I was so scared I have never been on my own. When I was 15 I had a boyfriend until I was 19 and then I met my husband of 25 years. I began to feel trapped. I was so afraid to be alone that these feelings didn’t matter, I was more afraid of being alone than feeling this unhappy. Until one day when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started to take responsibility for my feelings and ask why my feelings don’t matter and why was it so important for me to make things right for the other person. Why did I constantly ask for acknowledgement from outside myself? This constant urge to understand this drove me to looking at what I do and what I want to be. I wanted to be strong and stand up for myself. I wanted to really know and see how I create my life. In working with this system I began to see the driving mechanism comes from my root my being ness. It was SHAME. I learned this throughout my life. I was constantly reminded that the validation of me came from outside of myself. This is so unpredictable, I would do everything possible to make it right and then I could be happy. Always being bumped around. I felt guilty about wanting things for myself because of my attachment to being validated by my partner, my friends, and my parents. This was shame causing guilt (I am) and therefore I would not say (apathy) anything because I would rather be hurt than hurt someone else. And lastly what I would do is nothing (grief) I would continue to feel this way and continue to have the same results in my life. This is the irony that the results stayed the same. I was unhappy but afraid of being on my own. How could I possible do this? Well I started to change when I moved to healthy shame that is the shame that you decide your boundaries on, like for example when you feel bad about not telling the waitress that she undercharged you. I vowed to my- self in my healthy guilt that I would never do that again. That I would not give the other person power over me I would rather be alone than feel this way constantly juggling to fit in to someone else’s vision of me. Someone else can tell me what to say and then I do what they want. No I came to self-endorsement when I spoke up. Then what I did was give myself a pat on the back for standing my ground. that I celebrated. This is an example of the way to move from your own disconnected patterns to your own healing.