Enlightenment Appetizers

A man was frantically searching for something under a street light one night when a second man approached him. “What did you lose?,” he asked. “A small key” replied the man as he crawled around feeling the ground. The second man bent down and began to help. When neither one was having much luck with the search the helper asked a second question, “Where did you last have it?” The first man pointed a distance away and said, “Over there.” The second man asked, “Then why aren’t we looking there?” The first one answered, “Because this is where the light is.”

I believe this story accurately reflects the error in our search for intimacy. There is a lot of focus on that which ultimately brings intimacy no closer to us, and in fact seems to render it all the more elusive. Think of the countless media depictions of people searching for intimacy. It is always portrayed as the hunt for a relationship with all the associated drama surrounding attempts to secure it somehow. Is that where intimacy can be found? Just what do we mean by “intimacy” anyway? I am going to suggest some answers that will illustrate why the lamp post story really applies to the typical search for intimacy and why the “key” is really found elsewhere.

Webster defines intimacy as characterizing one’s deepest nature and marked by a warm friendship in longtime association with another. This definition hints at something important. Is intimacy something that can be “found,” or is it a state that exists and can be developed within and between us?

In other writings, I have applied this understanding to the word “love” as well. In so much of life we are directed outward, to seek for our needs to be met by acquiring something external to ourselves. Perhaps this is why disappointment and frustration seem to be facts of life. I offer that neither is necessary and that we must focus within if our journey on earth is to be joyful and truly satisfying.

To have intimacy in our lives we must first reach a place of absolute honesty and authenticity within ourselves. A comfortable place of self-knowing and self-acceptance, to the point of self-appreciation must be cultivated within us. This internal state allows us to relax in the presence of others, to be open and to share and explore with one another free of judgment or reservation. It is very much like being little children (as Jesus instructed us) who are alive with curiosity and spontaneity. I offer that intimacy requires something of us --- a level of trust, not in another, but in ourselves. I often remind my clients that if they truly trust themselves, then trusting others is no longer an issue. If you do not give yourself away, who can betray you? And if you are betrayed, isn’t it always by you yourself?

So we see that the search for intimacy becomes the journey toward intimacy within each and every one of us. It is not something we find, but a capacity we develop. It is not something to be measured, but a quality to be enjoyed and appreciated and shared. It is always an inside out process where the process itself is indeed the prize! And that is something we can all celebrate!