Rainbows and Lollipops

The phone call I dreaded rang through my body like a fire drill and there I stood, motionless, unable to move and unable to comprehend how this had happened – and why now.

I couldn’t believe that my happy, perfect life had crumbled so quickly. I couldn’t believe that one minute I was selling real estate and the next I was sitting in the police station talking about a court case. I couldn’t believe that I was going to be the one on the stand watching everything fall down around me, and that there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I had no idea how I had managed to be here or how the court case had even been initiated. It was as if someone had taken over my life and I was now a very unwilling participant.

This policewoman, Joan, wanted to know all about the rape, why it had happened and when. She was constantly asking me questions, and I had no idea how to answer them. I mean, God, nothing had ever happened, no one had ever been charged, it was never reported to the police, and it was 18 years ago. Why bring it up now?

As I sat in the police station talking about the rape and how it had occurred, I realised that if this ever went to court it was not going to be a pleasant experience. I was worried about what my friends and family would think of me, whether they would still support me and want to know me.

I had no idea how I had got here, or how things had caught up with me after all these years. Surely it couldn’t be about the rape; surely it must be something else – something different altogether, but the policewoman had mentioned something that made me think the topic of discussion would be sexual assault.

Sexual assault – or rather rape – is an insidious thing, and is unbelievably soul destroying. While it was apparently never meant to happen, it did, and from that moment on it changed the way I lived my life and the way I interacted with people.

Rape makes you second-guess yourself every minute of every day until you have learnt to deal with the vile intrusion into your life and your body.

Yes, it was me who was raped, and yes, I was raped by my family friend – someone I trusted very much and held a lot of respect for.

Never in my life had I felt so dirty and so disgusting. Never in my life had I desperately wanted to die and disappear forever. Mind you, I was only 12!

The policewoman found me through a contact who thought I might have been raped just like someone close to her had been. From the evidence they had, they were 97% convinced that it was the same man.

For some reason, I was the lucky one. I had received the call to step in and save others from being raped as I had been. I was the one who was meant to make a difference to everyone, baring my heart and soul regardless of what it cost me. I was the one who had to show this man that what he was doing was wrong, and was so degrading to women and children that it could no longer go on any more. I was the only one who could stop this man.